WHAT’S YOUR ‘-NESS’ (And Are You Making the Most of It?)

Leslie Rohonczy, IMC™, PCC, Executive Coach, Leadership Expert, Speaker, Author

Finding Your '-Ness': The Journey to Your True Self

I get to work with some pretty amazing people every day, each on their own unique and personal journey of self-discovery and evolution. And with so much focus on running faster, jumping higher, and succeeding at any cost, it's easy to get caught up in thinking that our external achievements, titles, and accolades are what defines us. But there's a deeper, more profound definition of ourselves that beckons us all: the journey to find our '-ness'.

This concept can be elusive, but it is the essence of who we truly are; our soul, our intrinsic self. It takes practice, patience, and a lifetime of exploration, but it's a journey worth undertaking. In fact, some would argue (me, for one) that this hero’s journey is the one that matters most.

What is '-Ness'?

'-Ness' is a term that encapsulates the core of your being; the authentic self that exists beyond societal roles, expectations, and superficial layers. It's your unique combination of passions, values, strengths, talents, gifts, and quirks. Think of it as your soul’s personal fingerprint: distinctive, irreplaceable, and uniquely you.

For example, my own ‘Leslie-ness’ is related to creativity, empathy, and emotional intelligence. It makes me good at helping people understand their own wiring; at inspiring them to try something new; and at helping them to feel ‘seen’ and understood. My husband’s ‘Imre-ness’ is connected to planning, making others feel safe, and by being in service. How would you describe your own ‘-ness’?

Finding our '-ness' means connecting with our core self, below persona, beyond our title and training, to the deepest place that guides our beliefs, actions, decisions, and interactions. Consider other ‘-ness’ words: 'kind-ness,' 'bold-ness,' 'happi-ness,' and 'calm-ness'; each represents a state, or quality of being, that comes from within.

Your '-ness' is the sum of the authentic traits that blend together to form the essence of your true self. And finding your '-ness' means identifying and embracing those unique qualities and states of being.

When I’m coaching a client who wants to connect to his sense of purpose (let’s call him ‘Steve’), I’ll ask “what is your ‘Steve-ness’?” as a playful way to get him to tell me about himself; to better understand his gifts, how he sees himself, what he values about himself, and how he wants others to see him in return. -Ness is a valuable tool for us both!

The Lifelong Journey Within

For most of us, discovering our '-ness' is not an instant revelation, but rather, a gradual process that unfolds over a lifetime. It requires introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to face both our light and shadow sides. The journey within can be exhilarating! It can also be challenging. And sometimes it’s both at the same time! But every step we take to discover and define our ‘-ness’ brings us closer to it.

1. Introspection and Self-Reflection

The first step in finding our '-ness' is introspection. This means setting aside time for self-reflection, away from the noise and distractions of everyday life. It involves reflecting on powerful questions: What truly matters to me? What are my core values? What activities bring me joy and fulfillment? What gifts do I value most in myself? Journaling, meditation, and spending time in nature can be powerful tools to guide this introspective process. And if these self-directed activities aren’t your jam, and you feel the need for more structured support, it can be powerful to work with a coach to help you dig deep.

2. Embracing Vulnerability

One of the most essential aspects of discovering your ‘-ness’ throughout this journey is embracing vulnerability. That means being honest with yourself about your fears, weak-nesses, and past mistakes. It’s about acknowledging that you are a work in progress and that it's okay to be imperfect. The renowned vulnerability researcher, Brené Brown, says in her book "Daring Greatly", that embracing our vulnerabilities is the path to greater creativity, innovation, and connection with others.

3. Listening to Your Inner Voice

In our busy lives, we often ignore our inner voice; the quiet, persistent whisper that guides us towards our true path. This inner voice is the manifestation of our '-ness'. Learning to listen to and trust this ‘knowing’ requires mindful-ness and a conscious effort to tune out external pressures and expectations. Practice mindful-ness meditation to help sharpen this inner listening.

4. Living Authentically

As you become more attuned to your '-ness', the next step is to look for more opportunities to live authentically in your ‘-ness’. This means aligning your actions and decisions with what allows you to be the most authentic version of yourself possible. It might involve making difficult choices, such as changing careers, ending relationships, or pursuing a path that others might not understand or accept. Authentic living is not about conforming to societal norms; it’s about honoring your unique essence.

5. Continuous Growth and Learning

Finding our '-ness' is not a one-time achievement; it’s an ongoing journey. As you grow and evolve, so will your understanding of your true self. This requires a commitment to continuous learning and self-improvement. When we stay curious, embrace new experiences, and are open to change, each new experience becomes an opportunity to discover more about ourselves.

The Rewards of Finding Your '-ness'

The journey to finding your '-ness' is challenging, but the rewards are profound. When you connect with your true self, you experience a sense of peace, purpose, and fulfillment that cannot be achieved through external accomplishments alone. Your relationships become more genuine; your work feels more meaningful; your life evolves to be more aligned with your deepest values.

Helping Others on Their Journey

As an executive coach, one of my most rewarding roles is to guide others on their journey to finding their '-ness'. I encourage my clients to explore their inner landscapes, name and confront fears, and embrace their authentic selves. Through this process, they not only become better leaders but also more fulfilled individuals.

Finding your '-ness' is not the end of the journey; it’s the beginning. Your ‘-ness’ becomes the foundation upon which you can build a life of true purpose and joy. It’s about being who you are meant to be, evolving and growing into your potential, and living a life that reflects your deepest truths. As you embark on this lifelong journey, remember that every step, no matter how small, brings you closer to your true self.

Embrace the most important journey of your life­­­: the one within. It is the only journey worth taking, and it is where the real adventure begins.

If you’re interested in discovering your '-ness' with the support of a certified Integral Master Coach™, reach out for a free consultation. I’d be happy to guide you through the transformative process that leads to greater self-aware-ness, authenticity, and fulfillment.

THE VULNERABILITY OF LEADERSHIP: Embracing Vulnerability & Authenticity for High-Performance Success

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

In the realm of leadership, vulnerability is often perceived as a liability, a chink in the proverbial armor of strength and authority. We see this represented in media, movies, and television shows, like the inept and self-aggrandizing Michael Scott from ‘The Office’, whose misguided attempts at leadership and constant need for validation provide a stark contrast to the notion of vulnerability. His fear of being seen as incompetent leads him to maintain a facade of confidence, often at the expense of his team's well-being and morale.

Or the ruthless and uncompromising Frank Underwood from ‘House of Cards’’. Frank’s Machiavellian tactics and manipulative demeanor exemplify the dark side of leadership, where vulnerability is perceived as a threat to his dominance and authority.

Then there’s the exacting and brutal Miranda Priestly from ‘The Devil Wears Prada’. Her perfectionism and icy personality create a culture of fear and intimidation at ‘Runway’ magazine, stifling any semblance of vulnerability or authenticity among her subordinates.

These characters epitomize the traditional archetype of leadership, where vulnerability is viewed as a weakness to be concealed, rather than embraced. Their portrayals serve as cautionary tales, highlighting the pitfalls of prioritizing power and control over authenticity and connection.

Are these just fictional characters in some of our favourite shows? Well, yes. But also no. These caricatures of leadership are reflections of how our culture interprets and even underscores the message that vulnerability is antithetical to effective leadership, which in turn perpetuates the myth that to be a good leader, you must be invulnerable; impervious; unmoved; unflappable.

Not only is this a terrible way to lead because it ultimately undermines trust, collaboration, and engagement within organizations, but it also is a terrible way to live! Constructing an inauthentic, performative version of yourself can create physical and mental health concerns, career challenges, fractured relationships, poor results, and limited options.

But take a deeper dive into the complexities of leadership, and we see that true strength lies not in the absence of vulnerability, but in the willingness to embrace it. Yet, a growing body of research suggests that embracing vulnerability is not just courageous; it's paramount to becoming a high-performing, successful leader.

Let’s delve deeper, and explore the significance, benefits, and implications of embracing leadership vulnerability, and how it drives personal, team, and organizational success.

Rethinking Leadership: From Strength to Authenticity

When you think about strong leadership, who springs to mind? Our traditional ideas of leadership have often glorified decisiveness, assertiveness, strength, confidence, and even invulnerability. In this myopic, narrow definition, leaders are expected to project an image of unwavering confidence and infallibility, creating a facade of invincibility that leaves little room for doubt, uncertainty, or grace.

However, the landscape of leadership is evolving. In today's complex, dynamic business environment, where uncertainty and change are constants, the need for authentic leaders who aren’t afraid to show vulnerability, acknowledge their limitations, admit mistakes, and openly express their true thoughts and emotions has never been greater.

Consider the character of Captain Jean-Luc Picard from ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation.’ Despite his position of authority as the captain of the USS Enterprise, Picard is depicted as a leader who values empathy, compassion, and open communication. He is not afraid to seek advice from his crew, admit when he's wrong, or express his emotions when faced with difficult decisions. Picard's vulnerability humanizes him as a leader, earning the respect and loyalty of his team.

Or President Josiah Bartlet from "The West Wing" who is admired for his authentic leadership style. Bartlet's response to crises and moral dilemmas exemplifies empathy, compassion, and humility. He has open, transparent dialogue with his advisors, seeks diverse perspectives, and grapples with the ethical implications of his decisions. Bartlet's vulnerability as a leader resonates with audiences, inspiring them to believe in the possibility of principled and compassionate governance.

And let’s include the master of all things vulnerable, the wonderfully goofy human called Ted Lasso from the series of the same name. Ted provides another compelling example of vulnerable leadership. Despite being a fish out of water in his role as a soccer coach in England, Ted Lasso leads with unwavering optimism, kindness, and vulnerability. He openly acknowledges his lack of expertise in the sport and relies on his emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills to connect with his team and foster a supportive environment. Ted's vulnerability allows him to form genuine connections with his players and staff, ultimately leading to their success on and off the field.

These examples challenge the notion that vulnerability is a weakness in leadership and illustrate how embracing vulnerability can foster trust, collaboration, and resilience within organizations. Authentic leaders like Picard, Bartlet, and Lasso inspire others to do the same, creating a culture where authenticity is valued, and leadership is defined by empathy, integrity, and humility.

The Power of Vulnerability: Research Insights

Research in psychology and organizational behavior has shed light on the transformative power of vulnerability in leadership. Recent studies have shown that leaders who exhibit vulnerability are perceived as more authentic, relatable, and trustworthy by their followers. This authenticity fosters deeper connections and stronger relationships within teams.

A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology (2020, Leroy et al) found that leaders who displayed vulnerability were seen as more approachable and were able to build stronger bonds with their team members.

And, embracing vulnerability has been linked to the creation of a culture of psychological safety within organizations. According to research published in the Journal of Management Development (2019, Day and Fleenor), leaders who create an environment where it's safe to take risks and share ideas foster a sense of belonging and empowerment among employees which, in turn, fuels innovation, creativity, and resilience, driving organizational performance and adaptability in the face of challenges.

Leading with Vulnerability: Strategies for Success

But embracing vulnerability doesn't mean relinquishing authority or competence; rather, it requires a shift in mindset and behaviors towards greater authenticity and humility.

Here are some strategies for integrating vulnerability into your leadership approach:

• Lead by Example: Sharing personal stories, challenges, and failures with your team fosters empathy and trust, and creates a culture where vulnerability is celebrated rather than stigmatized.

• Share Your Interior: Allow your employees to see your internal thought processes and emotional reactions, what lights you up, and what makes you nervous or uneasy. And when you don’t know something, just say so. These glimpses of your humanness foster empathy and help you create a culture of trust, where vulnerability is celebrated rather than stigmatized.

• Encourage Open Communication: Create opportunities for honest and transparent dialogue within your team, and make sure you’re creating psychological safety for them to be transparent, to share feedback, and to speak truth to power. Listen actively and acknowledge your own areas for growth. This sets the tone and promotes a culture of continuous learning and improvement.

• Embrace Failure as a Learning Opportunity: Share personal stories of your challenges and failures with your team. Instead of hiding mistakes or shortcomings, openly acknowledge them and use them as teachable mentoring moments. Cultivate a growth mindset that views failure not as a setback but as a learning opportunity.

• Empower Others: Remind your employees (and peers and leader, for that matter) to be authentic and vulnerable in their own interactions, fostering a culture of mutual support and accountability. Using vulnerability in this way is a sign of strength. Recognize your team members when you see them being vulnerable – it’ll help others to step into their power, too.

The Lasting Impact of Embracing Leadership Vulnerability

In this tumultuous modern business world, vulnerability isn't just a buzzword, it's a strategic imperative. It's time to shatter the myth that vulnerability is a weakness; in fact, consider it one of the most important indicators of true leadership potential.

By embracing vulnerability, leaders wield a powerful tool to cultivate authenticity, trust, and resilience within their organizations, igniting a chain reaction of success.

As you continue to lead, remember this: vulnerability isn't a sign of weakness; it's a badge of emotional maturity, courage, and authenticity. It's about daring to show up, flaws and all, and inviting others to do the same. By leading with vulnerability, you set the tone for a culture where authenticity thrives, and trust propels success.

So, let's make a bold commitment to leading with vulnerability, and create a workplace where authenticity isn't just valued—it's celebrated. Let's inspire our teams to embrace their vulnerabilities, take risks, learn by trying, and realize their full potential. The path to lasting leadership impact begins with embracing our own vulnerability first and then empowering others to do the same.

It's time to lead with courage, authenticity, and boldness. Are you ready to take the leap?

FREE COACHING PRACTICE: JAR MEDITATION

 by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

In our fast-paced world, finding moments of stillness and clarity can seem like a luxury. Yet, these moments are essential for our mental and emotional well-being. One powerful practice that can help us cultivate a sense of inner peace and allow for new insights to drop into us, is meditation. Today, we're going to explore a technique that will help you experience meditation in a different way.

Imagine yourself standing in the middle of a huge room. It's spacious, and completely empty, except for one thing—a large glass jar. This jar represents your mind, and it holds your thoughts, represented by different colourful bubbles.

As you stand in the room, allow yourself to become aware of your thoughts. Just notice them, as you think about your day, your life, your worries, your dreams—anything that happens to float by or that typically occupies your mind.

Now, as these thoughts pop up, one by one, imagine that you are gently placing each thought bubble into the jar. Visualize each thought taking on this round shape as you do this—positive or negative, it doesn't matter. Once you've filled the jar with your thoughts, step back and observe. Notice that you're not engaging with the thoughts anymore; you're simply watching them, neutrally observing.

Now, imagine yourself slowly backing away from the jar. You move towards the door and can still see the jar with your swirling thoughts, as you step outside through the door. In this state of neutral observation, you're detached from the thoughts, just observing without judgment or analysis.

Spend a few peaceful moments (30 seconds, or 30 minutes; it’s up to you) in this calm state, then allow yourself to say thank you to the day, and return into the large room. Thank the room for holding this space for you, and send your gratitude to the jar that is holding all of your thoughts.

And if there are some thoughts that you feel would be better off remaining in the jar, leave them there. You can always come back for them another time if you really need them. But for now let them remain here. Feel the lightness in your body; in your heart; in your mind.

Remember, meditation is not about suppressing or controlling your thoughts. It's about cultivating awareness and acceptance of whatever arises in your mind. By focusing outside the jar of your thoughts, and observing them from a distance, you'll gain valuable insight into your inner world.

So, the next time you feel overwhelmed or stressed, find a quiet space, close your eyes, and visualize yourself in that vast room, with your jar of thought bubbles. Allow yourself to become aware of your thoughts, then gently place them into the jar where you can just observe them, as they are. With practice, you'll find yourself feeling more centered, grounded, and able to tap into your wisdom and find greater clarity in your life.

WOOHOO CAREER MOMENTS: Embracing the Power of Courage

 by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

Last week, two coaching conversations left me cheering with joy, and celebrating the courage and determination of two remarkable individuals.

As an executive coach, I have the privilege of witnessing the leadership development journeys of clients who find themselves at a crossroads, wondering how to advance their careers or navigate difficult work environments. And whether they’re looking for strategies to get promoted, or for ways to protect themselves in a toxic culture (or for help in making the difficult decision to leave), the journey towards career fulfillment demands courage.

Recently, I had the pleasure of celebrating with a coaching client who, after months of deep dives into leadership EQ and coaching, bravely addressed a gap identified by her leader. At the beginning of our coaching session, she proudly announced that she had gotten the promotion to a leadership role she’d been working so hard for! I was so excited, a resounding "WOOHOO!" flew out of my mouth!

That same afternoon, I had a very different conversation. It was a heartfelt coaching chat with a senior leader, who shared that she’d finally found the courage to leave her toxic work environment. She spoke with such brave resolve about her pivotal decision, and I was truly inspired by her. And, you guessed it, another resounding "WOOHOO!"

To be clear, I’m not a habitual “WOOHOO-er”. But I had the same reaction to these two very different situations because I was so thrilled by their courage.

Coaching clients invest in their own growth and development with the willingness to take a courageous look at their gaps, assumptions, aspirations, strengths, and shortcomings. They embrace and explore the gift of feedback. They identify and work hard for what they most want from their career. They set boundaries, and then enforce them when those boundaries are crossed. They bravely make a change when opportunity comes calling their name. And they make empowering decisions like these two examples, putting themselves well on the path to healthier, fulfilling, personal and professional growth opportunities!

Unlocking Your "WOOHOO" Moment:

There will be many triumphs, rough patches, and transformations throughout our careers, and no matter whether we’re trying to secure a long-awaited promotion, or to navigate a change in pursuit of greater fulfillment, our courage and resilience will be the cornerstones of our success.

Through personalized guidance and support, coaching programs are tailored to address individual unique needs, personalities, and aspirations. Imagine what might be possible for you if you invested in honing your essential leadership skills, growing your emotional intelligence, and mastering the art of effective communication. From cultivating resilience in the face of adversity to fostering a growth mindset that fuels innovation, coaching equips you with the tools and mindset to overcome obstacles and seize opportunities. By investing in executive coaching, you are investing in your future success, unlocking new possibilities for advancement, fulfillment, and leadership excellence.

If you’re navigating a career decision, or coaching someone who is, here are 5 aspects of the career journey with questions to help you reflect on your own courageous career aspirations (hot tip for leaders: you can use these questions to coach your employees during career development discussions):

1.      DEFINE CAREER SUCCESS

• What is your definition of ‘career success’? How does this definition support you? And how might it limit you?

• Imagine your ideal work environment where you feel most fulfilled and energized. What values and culture would it embody, and how does this differ from your current situation?

• Reflect on the values, priorities, and culture dynamics in your current workplace. How do they align with your personal values, priorities, and working style preferences?

2.      ADDRESS GAPS

• What feedback have you received in your current role about an area for growth or improvement?

• How are you leveraging this feedback to propel your career forward?

• What strengths do you possess that can help you address your gaps, and how will you leverage them?

3.      DECISION-MAKING

• If you’re facing a challenging career decision, what factors are influencing your choice?

• What outcomes are you hoping to achieve?

• What decision would your ‘head’ make? Your ‘heart’? Your ‘gut’? How does each perspective inform or influence your decision?

4.      TAKING ACTION

• What would you do if you felt more ‘brave’? What’s holding you back from doing that?

• What do you need to see/hear/feel/do, in order to take more courageous action? What steps can you take today, this week, and this month?

• Who could help you build the professional skills and experience you need, including stretch assignments or additional training opportunities?

• Reflecting on your long-term career aspirations, how can you align your actions today with your future goals?

5.      COURAGEOUS MINDSET

• Considering the importance of a courageous mindset in career choices, when navigating career decisions and transitions, how will you cultivate and maintain your resilience in the face of uncertainty or setbacks?

• What personal reward will you give yourself for your bravery?

• What self-compassion messages will you give yourself when you feel uncomfortable, or when things don’t go the way you hoped they would?

If you want to pursue your own ‘WOOHOO” career moment, visit www.leslierohonczy.com to learn more about how my executive coaching and leadership development services can help propel you towards success.

WHAT LIMITING BELIEFS ARE HOLDING YOU BACK?

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

In a recent coaching session, I worked with a client who had made an important career decision. Together, we explored how certain unconscious, limiting beliefs can silently influence our experiences, behaviors, and perceptions. These beliefs often lurk beneath the surface, shaping our lives without us even realizing it.

What I’ve noticed is that it doesn’t matter whether my client comes from the business or music world; emerging or seasoned professional; CXO or entry-level employee; limiting beliefs can keep us small, stuck, and blocked from living our best lives.

Research by Dr. Carol Dweck, the renowned psychologist who coined the terms "fixed mindset" and "growth mindset", highlights the pervasive nature of limiting beliefs. She describes how beliefs about our abilities can profoundly impact our success. Those with a fixed mindset have the limiting belief that their abilities (or lack of abilities) are innate and unchangeable, leading them to shy away from challenges. Conversely, those with a growth mindset view challenges as opportunities for growth and embrace them wholeheartedly.

Take, for instance, a common limiting belief I’ve seen with clients: expecting other people to react with the same emotions WE would have in a similar situation. The reality is that we’re all wired differently, and we can’t rely on our own emotional wiring and internal perceptions to map how others will react.

Another limiting belief that many of us unconsciously hold is believing that we can somehow control others' thoughts or opinions about us. As I've written in my book, ‘Coaching Life: Navigating Life’s Most Common Coaching Topics’, what others think of you is simply none of your business. Others’ reactions to you – negative or positive – just shows you how others are wired, and what THEY pay attention to. It doesn’t reveal any more to you about who YOU are, your worth, or your value.

If, like many others, this topic of limiting beliefs resonates for you too, here's a powerful four-step coaching practice to tackle limiting beliefs head-on.

Challenge Assumptions with Evidence

1.      Identify the Limiting Belief: Start by pinpointing the belief that is underlying a behavior you wish to change. What limiting belief prevents you from acting they way you want to, or causes you to second-guess yourself? Reflect on past experiences and patterns to uncover the root cause of your limiting belief.

2.      Seek Supporting Evidence: Ask yourself: what evidence can I find that reinforces this belief? Considering both internal experiences and external influences, what evidence or proof confirms this belief to be true? And how do you know they’re true?

3.      What Evidence Proves the Opposite is True: Seek out evidence to challenge or disprove your limiting belief. Challenge yourself to adopt a curious and open-minded approach, striving for as many other perspectives as you can find. The simple act of looking for opposite examples to our limiting beliefs creates relief from the anxiety of harsh self-judgment. (When we go looking for this contrary evidence, we have a pretty good chance of finding it.)

4.      How Would You Behave Differently: Finally, envision how you would behave if this limiting belief were not holding you back, and the opposite were in fact true. Visualize yourself taking bold and confident actions aligned with your true desires and values. Experiment with showing up in this new way, and notice what is more accessible to you as a result – inside of you in the moment; in the room with others; how people respond differently to you; and how you feel differently about yourself, as a result.

Remember, while beliefs shape our reality, they are not immutable truths. By ferreting out our limiting beliefs, one at a time, and then challenging and reshaping them with a growth mindset, we transform our experiences, and have more resources available to realize our true potential.

FOREBODING JOY

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

Have you ever experienced a moment in time when you are filled with joy, and then all of a sudden, you are overcome by a sense of impending doom as a result? It’s almost as if we expect to have to pay a toll for the good thing that’s happening to us.

This is called ‘foreboding joy’, and it may sound a bit paradoxical at first, but understanding this emotion can be a game-changer in life and leadership.

So, what exactly is foreboding joy? Well, it’s a complex emotion that often leaves us feeling torn between the desire to fully embrace the happiness in a specific moment, and the fear of something bad happening as a result. In fact, joy our most vulnerable human emotion! And when we can no longer tolerate the vulnerability that joy brings us, it becomes foreboding.

At its core, foreboding joy is rooted in this vulnerability – that innate human experience of exposing ourselves to the unknown, of opening our hearts to the possibility of both joy and discomfort. Brené Brown, a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability, describes it as the birthplace of courage, compassion, and connection. Yet, when we encounter moments of pure joy, our aversion to feeling vulnerable kicks in, which only intensifies a feeling of vulnerability, which then triggers a sense of foreboding that feels threatening and can overwhelm us. And it often happens in a split second, catching us unaware or unprepared.

So, how do we navigate this delicate dance between joy and fear? One of the most effective tools I’ve seen is mindfulness – the practice of being fully present and engaged in the moment. When we experience foreboding joy, our minds tend to spiral into thoughts of what could go wrong, or what will inevitably come along and take this delicious joy away.

Mindfulness offers us an anchor; a way to ground ourselves in the here and now. By tuning into our senses, our breath, and our experience of the moment, we can quiet the anxious whispers of fear and fully immerse ourselves in the richness of joy.

But mindfulness is just the beginning. To truly navigate foreboding joy, we must also cultivate self-compassion, the ability to feel gratitude within our joy, and discernment to helps us challenge the disaster-izing that commonly accompanies foreboding joy.

Too often, we berate ourselves for feeling fearful or anxious, judging our emotions as weaknesses to be overcome. Yet, true resilience lies in embracing our humanity – in recognizing that it's okay to feel vulnerable, even in moments of joy or triumph. When we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we create a space for healing and growth, allowing ourselves to move through this fear with courage and grace. We also create the ability to deepen the experience of our joy-filled moments, as a result.

As we journey deeper into the heart of foreboding joy, self-reflection becomes our compass. When we feel the familiar tug of vulnerability, we can pause and ask ourselves these powerful questions to help us stay connected to our joy:

• What am I most grateful for in this moment of joy? What else? And what else?

• How might you challenge your fear with evidence that proves the opposite is actually true?

• What does my fear tell me about how meaningful this is to me?

By exploring these questions with curiosity and openness, we unearth hidden treasures of resilience and strength, reclaiming our power to fully embrace life's joyful moments.

But perhaps the most profound lesson of foreboding joy is this: joy is a spontaneous eruption of intoxicating emotion. In a world filled with uncertainty and unpredictability, we can’t control what the future holds. We can’t orchestrate it to happen when we want (or need) it most. What we can control is how we choose to show up in our present moments – with courage, with compassion, and with an unwavering commitment to living life authentically.

So, the next time you find yourself suppressing joy, as a ‘hedge’ technique, or hesitate to fully embrace a joyful moment, remember this: recognizing, naming, and understanding this emotion as ‘foreboding joy’ is the first step towards overcoming it. It's about acknowledging that it's okay to feel joy… simply as it is… without the fear of it costing us something precious in return. You don't need to earn your joyful moments or prove your worthiness of them – joy is your birthright as a human being! Embrace your vulnerability and lean into your joy with abandon. Then see what you notice about how that changes your experience of it.

In the end, it's not the absence of fear that defines us, but our willingness to dance with it – to embrace the full spectrum of our human emotion and emerge stronger, wiser, and more alive than ever before. So, the next time you notice the feeling of foreboding emerging through your joy, take a deep breath, and remember this: you deserve to live a life of happiness and fulfillment – without the need to pay a toll for your joy.

WHAT’S HIDING UNDER YOUR WATER LINE?

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

Have you ever noticed how many iceberg models there are? We see them everywhere: training videos, corporate strategy, technology rollouts; just take a scroll through LinkedIn, and you’ll see what I mean! It's like the Swiss Army knife of metaphors (ah, a metaphor about a metaphors – how meta!)

But amidst the sea of diverse interpretations and representations, you may notice one similar principle that connects all iceberg models:

What we see on the surface is just a fraction of what's truly available to us if we get curious!

Leadership can sometimes feel like we’re navigating the ocean. It demands a keen understanding of the prevailing winds, knowledge of ocean currents, and awareness of the topography and hidden formations underwater.

Think about it—every decision we make, every action we take, and every outcome we achieve, has been influenced by what’s typically under the water line, hidden from awareness. In a similar way, unless we intentionally go exploring, we’re not usually aware of the deeper aspects below the water line that are driving our behaviours above it; things like a limiting belief, a fixed mindset, or a past challenge that feels similar.

We each have our own personal version of an iceberg model, with easy and frequent access to what’s within our awareness above our water line. But often, we are unaware of what’s below it, unconsciously influencing us, until when we notice discomfort, or get feedback from our partners, friends, leader, peers, or employees about our actions or behaviours.

As leaders, we also need to leverage this iceberg awareness with our employees. Taking a tandem dive below the water line with each person on your team can help them uncover the beliefs, values, and emotions that shape their behaviors and outcomes. If you're not paying attention to what's going on below the water line, you're missing out on some significant insights that could help you and your employees build self-awareness, resilience, trust, and confidence. The bonus prize in diving below the surface together is that it also builds vulnerability-based trust between you and your people.

Leaders who grasp the significance of delving beneath the surface (their own, and alongside their employees) are better equipped to navigate the turbulent waters of organizational dynamics. They recognize that beneath every action, decision, and outcome lies a complex interplay of beliefs, values, and emotions—elements that shape behaviors and drive results.

But here's the thing: in our fast-paced world, where time is a precious commodity and speed often trumps everything else, many leaders find themselves skimming the surface, hesitant to delve into the depths below, where a richness of insights awaits exploration.

But the ability to dive deeper, occasionally hopping into their submarine to do a deep dive below what’s known, obvious, or common is one of the markers of a high-performing leader.

Imagine you're dealing with a team conflict. On the surface, it may show up as a clash of personalities or conflicting agendas. But if you dig a little deeper, you might uncover some juicy nuggets — like unresolved tensions, unmet needs, or divergent values—that are fuelling the discord. And here's the kicker: if you ignore what's going on beneath the surface, you're not only missing out on valuable insights, but the situation will only get worse.

Take a moment to reflect on a leadership challenge that you're facing right now. Here are three questions to help you explore the situation more deeply:

1. How could taking a deep dive, beneath the surface information you currently have, help you better understand what's really happening?

2. Who do you need to have a deeper conversation with?

3. How will you create a sense of safety during these deeper conversations, so that people can open up without fear of judgment?

The bottom line: what you see is just the tip of the iceberg. By embracing the depths, we can become better leaders, colleagues, friends, parents, and better humans overall.

MASTER YOUR CAREER SEARCH WITH 8 POWERFUL QUESTIONS

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

In the fast-paced and competitive landscape of the current job market, standing out from the crowd is crucial. Here’s a powerful coaching practice that can give your career search the edge it needs.

Let’s explore career searching from four different perspectives, each represented by the Integral Theory quadrants. Grab your pen and journal, and spend some quality time with yourself, reflecting on the following powerful questions, as you embark on a journey of self-discovery and strategic planning.

VALUES-DRIVEN PURPOSE

This first quadrant focuses on what’s ‘inside you’: your sense of purpose, the values that you hold firmly, and your unique perspective on yourself and the world around you. Delving into your internal values and understanding the driving forces behind your career aspirations can provide a solid foundation. By aligning your career goals with your values, you'll not only find more fulfillment, but you’ll also present a genuine and authentic version of yourself to potential employers. From this values perspective, take a moment to ponder:

1. What personal core values drive my career aspirations?

2. What specifically draws me to a target role or company?

PEOPLE & RELATIONSHIPS

Building meaningful connections is a key aspect of any successful career search. Identifying and overcoming barriers to networking while strategically leveraging your existing support network can open doors to opportunities you may not have considered. With the relationships perspective in mind, answer these thought-provoking questions:

1. What limiting beliefs, opinions, or feelings about networking can typically hold me back from reaching out to others?

2. How might I leverage my biggest fans differently in my job search?

SYSTEMS & DETAILS

Having an efficient, organized process, an effective strategy, and tools to measure progress are all essential components of a successful career search. Assessing and adapting your approach based on measurable metrics can enhance your effectiveness, ensuring that your efforts yield tangible results. thinking about your formal and informal systems, reflect on:

1. What do I need to adapt to be more efficient, targeted, or proactive in my networking, applications, and follow-ups?

2. How will I measure the effectiveness of my career efforts?

ACTIONS & DOING

Finally, let's explore the 'Action' quadrant. Setting clear goals and taking actionable steps is the cornerstone of any successful career journey. By breaking down your goals into manageable actions and timelines, you'll create a roadmap for success and maintain momentum throughout your search. Reflect on your action orientation, and how you’re getting into action, with these questions:

1. What career goals and targets have you set for yourself?

2. What specific actions do you need to take today? This week? This month?

Exploring these eight reflection questions provides a holistic approach to your career search, helping you be more able to articulate your values, build relationships, create effective systems, and take strategic actions.

Wishing you great success in your career search – may your path be fulfilling and prosperous!

WHAT’S YOUR IMPOSTER RESPONSE?

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

Are you wrestling with imposter ‘syndrome’? Many of us grapple with self-inflicted shame, feeling like frauds and fearing that someone will eventually stumble upon our terrible secret: “I don’t know what I’m doing; I don’t deserve to be here; and it’s just a matter of time before I get found out!”  We explain away our accomplishments as the result of serendipitous luck, or clever trickery, and believe that eventually we will be exposed when someone realizes that we don’t have a hot clue what we’re doing. It often hits people that outwardly look like they have it all going on: high achieving, academically accomplished bright lights who secretly doubt their own abilities despite obvious evidence to the contrary, and who instead believe they are inadequate, incompetent, flawed, failures. Roughly 85% of working adults admit to feeling inadequate or incompetent at work, and almost 70% don't feel they deserve their current success. Of these, one in four said they experience these feelings often, or all the time.

 When clients arrive with a self-diagnosis of imposter ‘syndrome’, I prefer to reframe it as an imposter ‘response’ to what they’re experiencing (it should never have been pathologized as a clinical diagnosis in the first place). Imposter response can manifest differently depending on a person’s background, personality, life experience and circumstances, but the common denominator is the fear of being ‘found out’. The imposter response is related to our inner critics: while our inner critic is focused on self-judgment, our imposter response is preoccupied with what to do about it to avoid shame. And in working with hundreds of individuals over the years, I’m convinced that culturally, we are experiencing epidemic proportions of imposter response at this time in our modern world.

 Here are five imposter response types, based loosely on the work of Dr. Valerie Young. Notice the sense of striving that is the common thread in each of them and how they all ultimately create shame (although what they strive for is different).

THE SILVER MEDALIST

I’ve called this the silver medalist, rather than gold, because winning a silver medal feels like profound inadequacy. The silver medalist has lost their event to the gold medalist – it feels worse than the bronze medalist, who had to win their competition to reach the podium. The feeling of failure attached to this imposter response is palpable. Silver Medalists strive for perfection and focus on ‘how’ they’re getting things done. They will set excessively ambitious goals for themselves, and then experience unbearable self-doubt and anxiety; often they will compensate by over-controlling, becoming impatient, and feeling that no one else is capable. Work must be done perfectly every time, and they take no joy in their success, feeling like they could always have done a better job. These are the micromanagers who won’t delegate, and if they do, they will be unsatisfied with the result from others. One tiny mistake in an otherwise excellent performance feels like failure, which triggers shame.

THE SUPERHERO

If we are convinced that we’re a phony going undetected among authentic colleagues, we protect our dirty little secret by striving to work harder than everyone else around us. This ‘superhero’ type usually has consequences on physical and mental health and can impact relationships. Superheroes are typically workaholics who rarely find time for self-care, hobbies, or relaxation. They don’t feel worthy of their titles so must prove their worth through acts of continuous striving, rather than from the output of the work itself. Their focus is on measuring their worth by how many things they can juggle and do well. When they miss the unrealistically high mark, they feel shame for not being capable of perfectly handling everything.

THE VIRTUOSO

The belief that they need to be a natural born genius causes this type to harshly judge how quickly and easily they perform, without considering how much effort or expertise is truly needed to excel in an area. If Virtuosos take ‘too long’ to pick up a new skill, they feel ashamed. They combine unreasonable expectations with harsh self-judgement about the need to perform perfectly right away. The Virtuoso is an action-oriented perfectionist that focuses on how quickly and easily something gets accomplished. If they struggle to ramp up or learn a new skill and can’t create a masterpiece right away, they equate that to failure, which triggers shame.

THE SOLOIST

Some people want to be perceived as independent and hold the belief that asking others for help exposes them as frauds. Soloists carry a very heavy load because they believe that they must prove their worth, that it’s all up to them, that no one else is going to come and rescue them, so they must do for themselves. They often refuse help, and if they end up requiring assistance from someone else, they feel diminished as a result. To feel accomplished, the Soloist must do it alone; to need help is to be a failure, which evokes shame.

THE GURU

Gurus measure their competence by what they know, and how well they can do something. They believe they can never know enough information, and are afraid of being perceived as inexperienced, ill-informed, unaware, or downright wrong. Their constant thirst for more training, certification or knowledge prevents them from really experiencing the weight of their expertise fully. Their focus is on what they can do, and how much they know. When Gurus can’t meet the unattainable expectation to know absolutely everything, they feel like failures, which triggers shame.

HOW TO QUIET YOUR IMPOSTER RESPONSE

If you’ve experienced imposter response, you probably chalked your success up to external influences, chance, charisma, connections, dumb luck, or your finely-honed ability to skate your way through life. But the imposter’s true dragon slayer lies within us, not outside of ourselves. Here are a few ideas you can experiment with.

• Accept that you in fact are an imposter at various times in your life – and that’s normal. We all are, in some way. But if we let our imposter drive this bus, it will rob us of the chance to really feel our accomplishment.

• At the root of the imposter response is an inability to internalize success (‘thanks, but I just got lucky’; ‘thanks, but it’s not perfect’; ‘thanks, but I got it at a thrift shop’). It’s often lauded as humility (however false it may be). Owning our victories takes authenticity and personal integrity.

• Some people feel the need to seek validation from others, even clinging to backhanded compliments or slightly positive feedback. Allow yourself to feel great when someone pays you a compliment, but don’t rely on external validation as the measure of your self-worth.

• Sometimes we can fall into the trap of setting the bar low, or even failing intentionally. Experiment with embracing the challenge – all in. If you succeed, you will have internalized it as a personal win. And if you don’t, it’s an opportunity to acknowledge your bravery in daring to try.

• Some who struggle with their impostors become paralyzed in thought about what they want to do, waiting until they feel more ‘ready’. What might you have to loosen your grip on, to allow yourself to experiment?

The more we can get into motion and take specific actions that move us towards our goals, the less of a hold our imposter will have on us. In fact, authenticity is the Imposter’s kryptonite. When we decide that we will live our authentic truth every day, we align our thoughts and behaviors with our values, creating a sense of true freedom to be exactly who we are meant to be.

If you’re curious to explore how your imposter response may be getting in your way, contact me for a free coaching consultation. I’d love to help you tame your imposter response and build greater confidence, self-awareness, and strategies for success.

 LESLIE ROHONCZY | Executive Coach (PCC), Integral Master Coach™ (IMC)

613-863-8347 | LESLIEROHONCZY@LIVE.COM | WWW.LESLIEROHONCZY.COM

FIXED VERSUS GROWTH MINDSET

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com 

According to neuroscientific research into leadership over several years, when humans face engagement challenges, or experience difficulty with change, we typically see it as either a threat (distress) or a challenge (eustress). When our brains perceive a threat or the possibility that our needs will not be met, it can create a ‘fixed’ mindset: our pre-frontal cortex goes ‘off-line’ while the more primitive brain circuits take over. This is the conditioned emotional response of the amygdala (our reptilian brain), and the typical emotionally driven actions that result. The amygdala activates brainstem stress systems, which in turn activate the sympathetic nervous system.

         It’s been documented by neuroscientists that being socially excluded can temporarily drop our IQ by almost fifteen points, because our brains use so much processing power for the ‘fight, flight, freeze, submit’ response. Our pre-frontal cortex diverts energy from its rational executive function under social stress. And when we feel threatened, our limbic system processes potential danger with momentary heightened alertness, but this decreases our ability for wider perception, understanding, creativity and collaboration. We can experience tunnel vision, it becomes difficult to see issues and solve problems, we can’t think as clearly, our ability to solve problems decreases, and we aren’t as good at working with others.

         In a fixed mindset, we may doubt our abilities, worry about others’ perceptions of us, and shy away from taking a chance. Our inner critic is driving the bus, especially when we feel we may lose status, independence, connection to others, or could be treated unfairly. We focus on the problem, become mired in details, feel anxious and defensive, and can lash out or run away while trying to maintain the status quo by focusing on what there is to lose. There is a sense of moving ‘away from’ the issues with a fixed mindset. Moving away from threat is a stronger, faster, longer lasting, and more common driver than a reward response, which requires our awareness and intention.

         With a growth mindset, there is a feeling of moving ‘toward’ the reward that can be obtained through growing perception, insights, and collaboration with others. When we build and embrace a growth mindset, we believe something is just a challenge to overcome. We trust that we can get better and improve and see it as a great opportunity to develop new skills and awareness. We see that we’ve moved forward from where we were before. A growth mindset sees a challenge, focuses on the solutions and end goal, and finds ways to make thing better. We feel open and determined, and we can experience our negative emotions as a propeller to move us into greater engagement and growth.

         You’ll be able to tell which mindset you’re in by asking yourself the following question: “Do I want to ‘be good’ and ‘prove’ my worth and that I’m better than others?” (a fixed mindset) or “do I want to ‘get better’ and ‘IM-prove’ my own performance and skills?” (a growth mindset).

Fixed VS Growth Mindset

COACHING CHALLENGE

Here’s a simple two by two model that can help you identify where you’re at, and the stance necessary to grow. The first axis is whether something is known to you or unfamiliar, and the second axis is about the instinct to move towards or away from it.

         The upper left ‘Explore’ quadrant represents a growth mindset and requires a stance of courageous curiosity. There is something unknown to us here, but we find it intriguing or inviting in some way, so we move toward it with curiosity. This is where we find innovative ideas and untapped resources.

         The upper right quadrant also represents a growth mindset, and this stance allows us to ‘Exploit’ opportunities and known resources. It leverages what’s known on behalf of moving forward with agency and action. This quadrant is often the most comfortable because we are familiar with the circumstance and willing to move forward. The downside is that we may avoid the unknown in exchange for what feels comfortable.

         Our lower right ‘Avoid’ quadrant is born from a protective stance that is focused on circumventing known pitfalls. It can make us feel safer but runs the risk of keeping us from living into our fullest potential. And it does nothing to prepare us for or protect us from the unknowns that can arise.

         And finally, the lower left ‘Ignore’ quadrant represents a fixed mindset. It’s a fear-based stance about what is unfamiliar or unknown. In this quadrant, our instinct may be to keep ourselves at a safe distance, securely tucked inside our bubble of ignorance. We may even consider moving to the ‘Avoid’ quadrant, but what might better serve us is to leverage the ‘Explore’ quadrant, to get curious about what is unknown.

Each of these quadrants is useful in its own right, depending on our circumstances, and it’s helpful to be able to recognize which stance we’re in, so that we can make conscious choices that broaden our perspective.

Excerpt from COACHING LIFE: Navigating Life’s Most Common Coaching Topics, by Leslie Rohonczy. Available in paperback or audiobook: Amazon.ca, Audible, iTunes