HOW OLD IS THE PERSON STEERING YOUR CAREER? Your Destination Was Chosen by Someone Who No Longer Exists

Leslie Rohonczy, IMC, PCC, Executive Coach & Author

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The first few years of my adult life were the striving years. Striving to make ends meet, striving to get noticed in my career, among a sea of other young professionals who always seemed to be better at standing out from the crowd than I was; striving for a promotion to the next level, without ever really asking myself why a title was my end game; striving to feel my own worth, when I didn’t feel at all worthy.

And when I finally got that hard-fought promotion, and found myself in that shitty little clapboard office in the middle of the advertising department at our local newspaper, I had a sphincter-shifting moment of clarity: “Was THIS what I had been working so long and hard for? This office with no window and no purpose? How could all of my striving, motivation, blood, sweat, and tears really have been about THIS?!”

That experience, and that question, changed my career. The promotion was exactly what I'd wanted, which was precisely the problem. I'd spent years chasing a destination chosen by a version of me who no longer existed.

At the time, I couldn't have explained what was happening. I just knew something felt profoundly off. Looking back now, I realize it was the first time I'd noticed that somewhere between the striving and the arriving, it was me that had changed, not the destination.

That experience isn't unique to me. I've heard versions of this experience in many of my executive coaching conversations. The offices are usually much nicer than mine was, and the titles on the business card are more impressive, but eventually the same uncomfortable question appears: Now what? Or sometimes: Is this really all there is?

Life reshapes us while we are busy building our careers. The destination we chose at twenty-eight no longer fits the person we've become at forty-eight, but we may not see it if we don't pause long enough to notice the mismatch.

A few weeks ago, I found myself watching a YouTube video of a single sculler crossing a perfectly calm lake. There was something mesmerizing about how the boat cut through the glassy water. Every stroke looked powerful yet effortless, as it glided across the water with absolute purpose.

I find rowing kind of a strange way to travel. The boat moves confidently forward while the rower faces the opposite direction. Rowers can clearly see where they've been. They can study the wake they've left behind, and can appreciate every kilometer they've already travelled. The one thing they can't actually see is where they're going.

Hey, that also describes many leadership careers! Early in our careers we choose a direction that makes complete sense at the time. We pursue promotions, bigger teams with more span of control, financial security, influence, recognition, and the opportunity to prove ourselves. We want to make our parents proud, build something meaningful, provide for our families, or finally settle that relentless inner voice insisting we're still not enough.

There is nothing wrong with any of those motivations. In fact, they often provide exactly the fuel we need during those demanding early years. But life has a habit of changing us while we're busy rowing.

Successes often turn out to be less satisfying than we imagined. We experience illness, burnout, unexpected opportunities, disappointments, and moments of clarity we never saw coming. And over time, our definition of success begins to evolve. Status starts giving way to significance. Recognition becomes less important than contribution. Freedom matters more than prestige.

The person holding the oars today isn't the same person who first climbed into the boat and set the direction. Yet many of us continue rowing toward the same destination simply because that's where we pointed the boat years ago.

One of my favourite coaching questions catches people completely off guard: How old is the person currently steering your career?

Sometimes it's the twenty-five-year-old you who's desperate to prove she belongs. Or the young father determined to build financial security for his new family. Sometimes it's the ambitious new executive convinced that one more promotion will finally deliver the satisfaction they've been chasing.

That younger version of ourselves deserves enormous respect. They worked hard, took risks, made sacrifices, and created opportunities that today's version of us benefits from every single day. But they couldn't possibly have known who we would become. They didn't know which experiences would shape us, what losses we would endure, what relationships would change us, or how dramatically our understanding of a meaningful life would evolve.

So why are they still deciding where we're headed?

I think this is where many can get stuck. It might feel like lost ambition after decades of investment and building up our expertise, relationships, credibility, and identity. Changing direction can begin to feel like admitting those investments were mistakes. They weren't. They just brought us to the place where we're finally experienced enough to ask a better question.

Instead of asking, “Can I get there?” the question becomes, “Do I still want 'there'?”

That may be one of the hardest career questions we'll ever ask ourselves because the answer often asks us to loosen our grip on a destination we've carried for years; one that feels like our encoded mission, because we've been chasing it so long.

One of the greatest gifts coaching has ever given me is permission to pause before pushing forward. We're conditioned to believe that success comes from rowing harder. Sometimes it does. But sometimes, the wisest thing a rower can do is lift the oars from the water, let the boat glide, and take some time to turn around and really study their trajectory.

Only then can you answer the question, "does this destination still belong to the person I am today?" I encourage leaders to ask themselves uncomfortable questions as part of the process. Questions like, "If you were choosing your career today, would you choose the same destination?" "Which ambitions genuinely belong to you, and which belong to a younger version of yourself?" "What are you continuing simply because you've already invested so much?" "What gives you energy today that barely mattered ten years ago?" "If nobody else's expectations mattered, where would you point the boat?"

Sometimes the answers are deeply reassuring. You discover you're exactly where you're meant to be, and you begin rowing again with conviction because your destination has been consciously chosen by the person you are today, and not inherited from someone you used to be.

Other times the answers lead somewhere entirely different: a new awareness, a different role, a revised definition of success, a shift in priorities, or a career that finally reflects the person you've become instead of the person you once were.

Neither outcome means your younger self got it wrong. That version of you did exactly what they were supposed to do: they got you this far. But at some point, every leader deserves to ask a simple question: Who is this person holding the oars now?

The younger version of you chose a destination with the wisdom they had at the time. You don't owe them blind obedience. You owe them gratitude.

Now it's your turn to decide where the boat goes next.

YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE

This week, spend ten uninterrupted minutes with a blank sheet of paper. Across the top, write this question: How old is the person currently steering my career?

Don't answer it too quickly. Think about the ambitions you're pursuing right now, the goals you're sacrificing for, the opportunities you're saying yes to, and the ones you're turning down.

Then ask yourself: If I were starting my career today, with everything I've learned about myself over the past twenty years, would I still choose this destination?

If the answer is yes, you've just reaffirmed that you're rowing with purpose. If the answer is no, don't panic. You don't have to change direction tomorrow. You simply need to acknowledge that the person holding the oars today deserves a voice in deciding where your boat goes next.

OUR CAREER-LIMITING ADDICTION TO CERTAINTY: Why Some Leadership Decisions Stay Stuck

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Are you waiting for information you can’t possibly obtain? I don't mean that you're looking in the wrong place. I’m talking about information you’re waiting for that literally does not yet exist.

That may sound strange, but I see it regularly in my executive coaching work with leaders. The decision might involve any number of challenging scenarios: a strategic shift, a career move, a difficult conversation, an investment in a new opportunity. The details vary, but the pattern is remarkably consistent: a leader wants more information, clearer insight, and greater confidence that the decision will work out as they intend. On the surface, that sounds sensible. And most of us would prefer thoughtful leaders to impulsive ones.

The challenge, however, is one of diminishing returns: some decisions eventually reach a point where additional thinking stops producing additional clarity. The facts have been gathered, the options have been explored, trusted people have offered their perspectives, and the risks are reasonably well understood. But there it sits, parked, waiting for... what?

In my executive coaching work with leaders, I've noticed that people rarely get stuck because they haven't thought enough. By the time they're talking to me, they've usually considered their situation from every conceivable angle. They've researched, talked it through with trusted colleagues, slept on it, revisited it, and probably had the conversation with themselves a dozen times.

But something often goes unnoticed: the quest for information that belongs to a future chapter of the story. They assume that if they think a little deeper, analyze a little harder, or wait a little longer, the missing piece will eventually appear. Sometimes it does, and sometimes the information they're looking for can only emerge after action begins.

I was reminded of this recently while speaking with a client who was considering a significant career move. She had done her homework thoroughly. She understood the opportunity, the risks, and the trade-offs involved. She had spoken with people she respected and spent considerable time reflecting on the decision. At one point, she made a joke about it and said she was waiting for the universe to send her a registered letter confirming she was making the right choice. The image made us both smile because it captured the situation, and her wiring, perfectly. (Sometimes, clients come up with the perfect metaphor on their own.)

She wasn't avoiding the decision or being careless. She had simply reached the point where further analysis was unlikely to produce anything meaningfully new. The information she wanted was on the other side of the decision, the result of experiencing it firsthand.

Many leadership decisions eventually arrive at this point. More analysis feels productive because analysis has served us well throughout our careers. Gathering information is often the right response to uncertainty. The difficulty comes when we continue gathering long after we've exhausted what the current chapter can teach us.

Ronald Heifetz's work on Adaptive Leadership offers a useful distinction here. Technical problems can often be solved through expertise and existing knowledge. Adaptive challenges are different. They require learning, experimentation, and movement into territory where important answers emerge only after action has begun.

Senior leaders encounter these challenges constantly. Markets change. Technologies reshape industries. Customer expectations evolve. Business models that once seemed stable begin to shift. In situations like these, leaders often keep searching for information that nobody has access to yet. Not the board. Not the consultants. Not the person with twenty years of industry experience.

Reality is frustrating that way. It tends to hold onto certain information until somebody actually does something. Leaders who would never describe themselves as risk-averse can find themselves waiting for reassurance that cannot be obtained ahead of time. The decision remains under review, another meeting gets scheduled, another discussion takes place, and the future remains politely on hold.

Meanwhile, reality keeps moving. Competitors make decisions, employees draw conclusions, and opportunities evolve. More importantly, new information appears when somebody tests an idea, enters a market, has a conversation, launches a project, accepts a role, or declines one. Action reveals things that analysis cannot.

That's why people who move sometimes appear to have better information than everyone else. In many cases, they created it. I’m not advising recklessness or abandoning thoughtful analysis. Good leaders should examine assumptions, consider consequences, and seek wise counsel. The challenge is recognising when analysis has delivered everything it can reasonably provide. Many important leadership decisions don't begin with certainty. They begin with a willingness to learn.

My client eventually made her move. What struck me afterwards wasn't whether the decision worked out. It was how little new information appeared between the moment she felt stuck and the moment she finally acted. The certainty she had been waiting for never arrived. What arrived was the next chapter of information. Once she stepped into the experience, she began learning things that had been impossible to know beforehand. Those insights had never been available to her while she was standing still.

That realization has stayed with me because it applies to far more than career decisions. Some of the information we want most is unavailable until we begin moving toward it.

YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE

• Think about a decision you've been carrying for a while.

• Write down the information you believe you still need before acting. Then write down what information could only become available after you take action.

• As you compare the two lists, notice whether you've been waiting for information that genuinely exists or information that belongs to a future chapter of the story.

• If certainty never arrives, what decision would you make based on what you already know?

• Sit with that question for a few minutes and notice what emerges.

Reach out for a free exploratory Executive Coaching conversation at www.leslierohonczy.com.

FEEDBACK ISN’T YOUR PROBLEM (But Your Relationship to Feedback Might Be)

By Leslie Rohonczy, IMC™, PCC

Executive Coach | Leadership Development Expert | Author | Speaker | ©2026 | www.leslierohonczy.com

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Most leaders believe they’re open to feedback… right up until the moment they hear something they don’t like. But it’s what happens next that reveals our relationship to it.

I remember sitting across from a senior leader who told me he was "very open to feedback". He wasn’t posturing; he meant it. He regularly asked for input, encouraged it, and even thanked people for it. Technically, he was doing all the right things, right up until that critical moment.

His peer offered him feedback about a client meeting they attended together. Within seconds of hearing her observations, he stepped in with all the context: a bit of background, a quick clarification, a touch of justification, a hint of over-explaining, even a suggestion that she had misread his intentions; then a gentle repositioning of what he meant versus what actually happened. It was a lot. He was articulate, calm, and had been completely effective at shutting the whole thing down. His peer didn't argue or push back, and the conversation just wrapped itself up. From his perspective, it was a good exchange. From hers, it wasn’t worth pushing any further - or doing in the future.

This is where the real issue lies: we each have our own special relationship to feedback, a unique pattern of reactions that show up in the first few seconds after we hear it. That relationship determines whether the conversation opens up or closes down. While we’re looking for clear, useful input, our team and colleagues are asking themselves how much of this is actually safe to say.

Amy Edmondson’s research at Harvard Business School has shown that when people sense even a small interpersonal risk, they adjust by softening their message, rounding off the edges, and removing the parts that might upset or land poorly. The feedback doesn’t disappear, but it loses its teeth, sometimes becoming so neutral and mushy that it's unrecognizable - and unusable as a result.

There’s another layer that shows up before feedback is even given: the way most leaders ask for feedback makes it harder to offer anything useful. “Is there anything I could do differently?” sounds generous, but it leaves the other person with too much space and not enough direction. The brain stalls. There’s nothing concrete to grab onto.

Now compare that to, “What’s one thing I could do differently in our next client meeting?” That question gives the other person somewhere to start. It’s specific, focused, and much easier to answer. This small shift can create a big difference.

Now layer that with what happens after the feedback lands, because this is where our relationship to feedback shows up in full colour. We rarely receive feedback as 'neutral data'. Most often, we see it as someone's interpretation of something they saw us say or do. It brushes up against our identity, competence, and reputation, and it pokes the part of us that wants to be seen as credible, valued, and in control. That means we're not just hearing the feedback; we're reacting to what we think it says about us as a person.

Our brains are wired to react fast. Research in social neuroscience by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA shows that perceived social threats, including criticism, can activate the same neural pathways as physical pain. Think about that: our brains interpret both as pain! So the urge to explain, clarify, or straighten the record isn’t a personality flaw; it's a hard-wired reflex. The issue shows up when we're not aware that the reflex has taken us over.

Our teams watch those micro-moments closely. They notice how long we stay with a hard comment, whether we get curious or defensive, and whether the conversation opens up or closes down. Over time, they adjust and bring us the version of feedback that keeps things moving, avoids friction, and sounds useful without creating risk.

And just like that, our access to deeper insights about ourselves narrows. Meetings still happen, conversations still feel productive, and we still believe we’re open to feedback. We just don’t realize how much of it never makes it to us.

Think about the last time someone offered you feedback. What did you do in the first few seconds after you heard it? Was there something that didn’t sit well? Was your instinct to move to resolve it? Did you stay open and curious with it? Did you explain? Did you have the urge to tidy the moment, or did you let it breathe? These are some common reactions to feedback in the moment. What's yours typically?

One leader I worked with ran a simple experiment. Every time he received feedback, he had to ask one more question about their observation. Not a deep dive series of questions that would feel like an interrogation, just one genuine question intended to help him understand what the other person was seeing. At first, it felt awkward and slower than his usual pace, and he worried it made him look unsure.

What actually happened was different. People started giving more details without being asked, offering examples, and staying in genuine conversation longer. The feedback became sharper and more useful because his stance in the moment had changed.

This is where stance matters. In feedback conversations, our job as the receiver is simple (but not easy): receive the feedback, thank the person for offering it, ask a clarifying question if something isn’t clear, and then reflect. Not defend; not explain; reflect. That reflection is where we close blind spots and gaps we can’t see on our own, and it’s the part most of us skip because it can be uncomfortable.

Nothing about the feedback itself had changed. His relationship to it had. We don’t need to agree with every piece of feedback we receive, and we don’t need to suppress our reactions. We do need to notice them and resist acting on them too quickly. Staying in the moment a little longer and asking a genuine question changes what becomes available to us. It also changes how people experience us, and that ultimately determines whether they will tell us what we need to hear.

YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE

Think about the last piece of feedback that stayed with you; the one that lingered, and felt genuinely uncomfortable. What happened in your head in the first few seconds?

Now imagine that moment again, but this time, you take on a deliberate stance as the receiver.

First, receive it fully. No interruption, no correction, no facial gymnastics. Just take it in without judgment or defense.

Second, acknowledge the person. Not just a quick “thanks,” but a genuine appreciation for both the perspective and the courage it took to offer it. Feedback, especially upward or sideways, feels risky. When we recognize that, we create the psychological safety for honesty in the future.

Third, get curious. Ask one question that helps you understand what they saw, heard, or experienced. Stay out of defending your intent and lean into understanding their reality. For example: “Can you say a bit more about what you noticed in that moment?” or “What impact did that have for you?”

Then, thank them for their feedback.

Lastly, and this is the part most people miss: reflect. Take time after the conversation to sit with it. Consider what might be true, even if it’s only partially true. Look for patterns, examples, and evidence of what others might be seeing that you’re not.

Reflect on these questions:

• What part of this feedback felt most uncomfortable, and why?

• What story did I start telling myself about what this means about me?

• What pieces might be valid here, even if I don’t fully agree?

• Where have I seen a version of this before?

• If I took this seriously, what would I experiment with doing differently?

After your reflection, take some time to close the loop. Let the person know what you took from the conversation and what you’re thinking about doing with their feedback. This builds trust and reinforces that their voice matters.

Try this once this week. Not perfectly, just deliberately. That’s where the shift starts.

If this surfaced a blind spot, or you want to deepen your relationship to feedback, reach out for a free exploratory Executive Coaching conversation at www.leslierohonczy.com.

HAS YOUR EXPERIENCE BECOME A LIABILITY? When What You Know Gets in Your Way

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The first time he said it, she smiled politely.
He tried again. The second time, she nodded along, already formulating her response.
His third repetition had a certain ‘edge’ in his voice.
And by the fourth, the room became very still.

I was observing a senior vice president in action. Sitting across from her direct report in a one-on-one meeting, she seemed certain about where he was headed in the conversation. After all, she’d seen this situation many times in her career, and could anticipate his concerns, the angle, the familiar hesitation. Her attention wasn’t careless. It was efficient.

Except for one pesky little fact: that wasn’t what he was saying. Not even close! What she thought she knew for sure had already shaped what she unconsciously expected to hear. When his actual position finally registered for her after four attempts, it stopped the conversation cold. She wasn’t defensive or dismissive, just visibly disoriented. It wasn’t even that she disagreed. Her certainty had filtered out important data before it had a chance to even register.

Moments like this are easy to miss in real time. Nothing dramatic happened, and no voices were raised, but something important was revealed. Her experience had shifted from being an asset to creating interference, not because she lacked skill, but because her past success had closed the loop too early. 

EXPERIENCE ISN’T THE PROBLEM. FINALITY IS

We tend to speak about experience as though it automatically produces wisdom. The more years, the sharper the judgment. The longer the track record, the better the instincts.

Often, that’s true. Experience does build pattern recognition. It helps leaders move faster with less information. It allows for decisive action in situations that would overwhelm less experienced colleagues.

The trouble begins when experience becomes a filter, narrowing what leaders bother to question and what they no longer think to ask. When leaders rely too heavily on what they’ve seen before, perception can narrow rather than deepen. New information gets unconsciously screened. Signals that don’t fit the familiar narrative are discounted, not deliberately, but as a form of cognitive efficiency.

Efficiency often feels like competence, which is why it so rarely triggers self-doubt. Meetings end on time. Decisions move forward. Issues appear resolved. Leaders get recognized and reinforced for speed and clarity, not for pausing to explore what might be missing. That’s what makes the cost so hard to spot. By the time misalignment surfaces, it often shows up downstream, in disengagement, rework, or conversations that feel harder than they should.

WISDOM VERSUS CERTAINTY

One of the most important distinctions in leadership is the difference between wisdom and certainty. Wisdom holds experience lightly while it stays alert to context. It assumes there is always more to learn, especially when the situation looks and feels familiar.

Certainty closes the loop early. It sounds confident, calm, and decisive. Teams often experience it as reassuring, and leaders experience it as mastery. But certainty also has a blind spot: it resists disruption.

When the environment changes faster than our past experience can track, certainty starts to interfere with judgment. We begin mistaking confidence for accuracy, not because we’re careless, but because our internal models haven’t been updated to match the current level of change or complexity.

WHEN PATTERN RECOGNITION HARDENS

As humans, we're wired for pattern recognition from the beginning. Recognizing patterns is a powerful leadership capability that helps us to see around corners, anticipate risks, and connect dots others haven’t yet noticed. Over time, though, pattern recognition can harden into pattern entrenchment.

When that happens, we stop asking, “What’s unique or different in this case?” and start assuming we already know the answer. Curiosity gets replaced by speed. Listening moves away from trying to understand what might be different this time to listening for evidence that confirms what we already know or believe.

This pattern often shows up in leaders who have been rewarded for their judgment. Each success reinforces the belief that their reading of situations is reliable. Over time, that reliability can turn into reflex. And reflex is not the same as responsiveness.

THE COST OF OUTDATED INTERNAL MODELS

Many of us learned to lead in less chaotic or ambiguous environments than the ones we now operate in. Decision cycles were slower; hierarchies were clearer; dissent travelled differently.

But leaders are navigating something different in today’s world: more voices, greater tension, cultural challenges and polarization, and an increasing number of competing truths, all layered on top of already complex technical decisions.

When leaders don’t update their internal models, they often feel blindsided by outcomes that no longer line up with their intent. Trust begins to wobble, engagement dips, and feedback becomes harder to interpret, leaving the leader with a nagging sense that something is off, even if they can’t quite name it.

What’s often off in these moments is not capability, but curiosity and adaptability.

LEARNING AGILITY, CURIOSITY, AND TRUST

Learning agility is about staying open to questioning your own assumptions, especially when they’ve served you well. It’s the willingness to let curiosity interrupt certainty. And it’s the discipline of staying interested in what’s actually happening in this specific situation, not just what usually happens.

Research from the Center for Creative Leadership has consistently highlighted learning agility as a differentiator in leadership effectiveness, particularly in complex, changing environments. Leaders who stay curious, reflective, and willing to recalibrate are more likely to sustain trust and performance over time.

Curiosity does something else that certainty can’t: it also builds trust. When leaders stay genuinely curious, they signal respect. They create space for difference, making it safer for people to offer information that doesn’t fit the popular opinion. Over time, that shapes culture far more than decisiveness alone ever could.

WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE IN PRACTICE

When practicing curiosity, notice how quickly you form an opinion. Make a conscious choice to slow that moment down, and ask questions you don’t already have answers for (that's how you know you've asked a genuinely curious question). Check in on your intention: are you listening to learn, or listening to confirm?

In practice, it can also mean inviting your team into the process, not by asking for validation, but by creating space for challenge. Leaders who do this well tend to make better decisions, earn deeper trust, and adapt more effectively as complexity increases.

If you’ve been successful for a long time, think of this as not as a warning, but as a mirror. Experience doesn’t stop being valuable, but it does need to stay alive. The leaders who continue to grow are not the ones who abandon what’s worked, but the ones who remain curious about when it might need updating. Past success is only a liability when it goes unexamined.

YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE

1. 1.      NAME THE MOMENT: Choose one real, upcoming decision, conversation, or recurring issue where you typically rely on instinct and past experience, or a situation where you usually move quickly because it feels familiar. This might be a team discussion, a performance issue, a strategic decision, or a pattern you think you already understand.

PAUSE THE INTERNAL LOOP: Before responding, pause long enough to surface your assumptions. Ask yourself:

• What am I assuming I already know about this situation?

• What story am I telling myself about how this usually goes?

• What real evidence do I have for my assessment?

• What might I be overlooking because it feels familiar?

PRACTISE CURIOSITY OUT LOUD: In the conversation, ask a question that genuinely invites new information. For example:

• What might I be missing here?

• What’s different about this situation than it appears at first glance?

• If we didn’t have to worry about ‘x’, what would we be doing differently?

• If we slowed this down, what else should we be paying attention to?

OBSERVE THE SHIFT: Pay attention to what happens next. Notice not just the content of what you hear, but how the room responds. Does the conversation open up? Do people offer information they hadn’t shared before? Does the energy change when certainty gives way to curiosity?

REFLECT AFTERWARD: After the interaction, take a few minutes to reflect:

• What new information emerged once I slowed down?

• Where did my initial assumptions hold, and where didn’t they?

• What did I notice about my own listening when I chose curiosity over speed?

• What do I know now that I didn’t know before?

This is not about abandoning experience. It’s about keeping it alive by letting it inform your judgment without prematurely closing the loop.

If this article resonates with you, and you're interested in how Executive Coaching can help you, reach out for a free exploratory conversation with me at www.leslierohonczy.com.

DEVELOPING YOUR BULLSH*T DETECTOR: Cutting Through Hype, Jargon, and Polished Nonsense in 2025

“Revolutionary! Transformative!! Game-changing!!!” If you hear those words in the first five minutes of a pitch, your inner alarm bell should be ringing. We’ve all sat through those pitches. The buzzwords fly, the slides look amazing, and for a moment you catch yourself nodding along. But jargon doesn’t equal substance.

Leaders at WeWork once talked about “elevating the world’s consciousness,” while selling what was essentially office space with free beer. Investors bought the story, not the fundamentals, and the company’s $47-billion valuation evaporated almost overnight. Even smart executives can get dazzled by shiny language and big promises. That is why developing a BS detector is not a luxury in 2025; it is a leadership survival skill.

A MAGICAL METAPHOR TO REMEMBER

Think of a magician’s sleight of hand. The flourish distracts your eyes while the real trick happens elsewhere. Corporate spin works the same way. A charismatic founder’s over-hyped vision, a glossy report with flawless graphics and no meat, or an “innovation lab” demo of the best case scenario can all act like the magician’s flourish. They dazzle us so we don’t notice what is missing: evidence, substance, or common sense.

WHY OUR BRAINS GET FOOLED

Neuroscience offers some clues as to why BS is so effective at sneaking past smart people.

• Halo effect: When something looks polished, we assume it must also be competent. The brain’s shortcut is ‘shiny equals credible’.

• Amygdala and certainty: Under stress, our amygdala is activated, and we crave certainty. A slick answer feels like relief from the stress, even if it is hollow.

• Dopamine hits: Novelty lights up our reward system, giving us a rush that feels like progress. “New and improved” is rocket fuel for our brains.

• Social proof: If others nod along, our reward system pushes us to conform. Our need to belong can trump our instinct to question.

This is why entire boards, investment funds, and senior leadership teams can all walk straight into illusions without a single person stopping to ask, “Wait, does this actually make sense?”

FIVE FILTER QUESTIONS

To cut through the illusion, try this lens:

1. What evidence supports this claim?

2. How would it work in practice, not just theory?

3. What problem does it actually solve?

4. Who benefits most if we do this?

5. If it fails, what is Plan B?

Asking even one of these questions often changes the entire conversation. Suddenly the flourish disappears, and the real substance is revealed.

CULTURAL RELEVANCE

Robert Cialdini’s research on persuasion shows how the halo effect can blind us to flaws in logic. And Daniel Kahneman’s work on decision fatigue is clear: we stop asking clarifying questions when our mental energy is low.

History is littered with cautionary tales. Nikola Motors once released a video of its zero-emission truck cruising down a highway. The catch: it was rolling downhill with no powertrain. Investors believed the story, and the company briefly hit a $30-billion valuation before reality set in. Nikola is a reminder that polish and storytelling can deceive even the most seasoned executives.

And there’s no shortage of examples: Juicero raised over $100 million for a Wi-Fi-connected juicer, only for customers to discover they could squeeze the juice packs by hand; Theranos promised hundreds of blood tests from a single drop, fooling investors and board members across multiple industries; and FTX was once valued at $32 billion before collapsing into one of the biggest financial frauds in recent history.

Each case shows how leaders can be seduced by big promises and polished delivery, only to see their budgets and credibility evaporate when the truth emerges.

YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE

Practice: The Clarity Filter

Doing:
In your next three meetings, ask at least one of the five filter questions listed above. Write down what shifted in the conversation when you did.

What to Notice:

• What shifts in the energy of the room after you ask the question

• How the explanation of the idea evolves once it was explored more deeply?

• People’s body language or tone, and what new perspective it can give you about their level of confidence or conviction

Reflection Questions:

1. What surprised me about how people responded to my question?

2. How did the question change the conversation in ways I did not expect?

3. What did I learn about the strength, relevance, or practicality of the idea being discussed?

4. What does this tell me about my own comfort with disrupting group consensus?

We don’t need to become cynical skeptics, but in a world where polish is cheap and empty promises are plentiful, we do need sharper questions.

Reach out for a free exploratory Executive Coaching conversation at www.leslierohonczy.com

WHEN TYPE BECOMES STEREOTYPE: The Problem with Over-Generalized Labels

“I start tuning out when type becomes stereotype.” That line came from my fellow Integral Master Coach, Michael Lamberti, during a recent exchange we had on LinkedIn, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. In his post, Michael noted that some psychometrics teachers make irresponsible generalizations about their tools. And he’s right. I attended a workshop where a teacher told us that a certain personality type only had half of their emotions to work with. It made me roll my eyes so hard I could see my brain.

Personality frameworks and psychometric tools can be game-changing in leadership development, but when type turns into stereotype, we stop seeing the human being in front of us. It’s like mistaking a rough sketch for a finished painting. And when frameworks are distilled down too far, they risk becoming little more than an over-generalized sketch of the individual.

I’ve seen it happen in my work with teams, too. Someone reads their Enneagram Type 7 description to the group, and everyone around them assumes they must be the extroverted life of the party. A leader is tagged as an Insights “Cool Blue,” so the unspoken expectation is that they’ll be meticulous, logical, and great at budgets. Or someone is identified as a Myers-Briggs 'ENTJ,' and the stereotype is that they’ll automatically be a bold, take-charge executive. The problem is that these shorthand labels can blind us to a richer sense of a person's wiring: their values, communication preferences, decision-making styles, quirks, blind spots, limiting beliefs, assumptions, and untapped strengths. When we collapse someone down to the boilerplate description of a single 'type', we miss the richer, more complex portrait right in front of us.

THE DANGER OF ONE-DIMENSIONAL LABELS

Psychometric tools have enormous value. I use them frequently in designing coaching programs to meet my clients where they are, and to help me calibrate our live 1:1 coaching sessions. These tools can shine a light on how we process information, what motivates us, and how we’re wired under stress. But even when we make use of all the rich and robust aspects of a single psychometric model, it still offers just one window into a person. To see someone fully, we need to look through multiple lenses, each revealing different aspects of who they are and how they show up.

The danger comes when we let that single lens define the person. A DISC “C” detail-oriented leader may not actually be strong at planning or follow-through. An “influencing” style might not guarantee charisma or natural leadership. Labelling in this way becomes lazy shorthand and robs us of the deeper nuances of the real, evolving human sitting across from us. This is often how stereotypes are born: each of these psychometric tools has robust depth, with multiple layers of nuance and insight, but when people only memorize or repeat the surface-level summary, the richness is lost, and a flat stereotype takes its place.

This isn’t a new problem. Research on personality assessments has long cautioned against treating results as static or predictors of success. These tools reveal tendencies and preferences, not absolutes. And yet, I still hear leaders in meetings say things like: “Oh, she’s an Insights Yellow, she’ll love this project,” or “He’s an Enneagram 9, so conflict will always be hard for him,” or “Her Myers-Briggs ‘I’ is too high to be successful in that role.” That’s not development; that’s stereotyping.

WHY A DASHBOARD IS BETTER THAN A SINGLE GAUGE

Think about the dashboard in your car. When going on a road trip, you wouldn’t rely only on the speedometer and ignore the fuel gauge, oil pressure, or engine lights. Understanding people (and ourselves) also requires us to pay attention to a dashboard of indicators.

Here’s what that looks like in practice:

• Psychometrics give you a single lens on patterns and preferences.

• Feedback (formal and informal) gives you an external lens.

• Self-observation exercises looking for patterns and behaviours adds a third.

• Context and environment matter too; how someone shows up can shift depending on culture, stress, and team dynamics.

• Values and motivators offer another gauge, revealing what drives someone beneath the surface.

• Experimentation shows you what happens when you try something new, then reflect on the gap between what you expected and what actually happened.

• Coaching conversations, 360s, and stretch assignments each add data points to your dashboard.

The more gauges you can read, the more accurate your navigation becomes. Lean on just one, and you may think you’re cruising along safely, while in reality you’re going to run out of fuel in 20 kilometers.

MICHAEL LAMBERTI ON THE ENNEAGRAM

This is where I circle back to Michael’s terrific work with the Enneagram, a tool that, when used to its full depth, can surface profound insights about motivation and growth edges. It’s one of the most accurate and robust psychometric tools out there. But his caution is the same as mine: reducing people to stereotypes does them a tremendous disservice. If you’re curious to go deeper into the Enneagram and its applications for leadership, I encourage you to check out Michael Lamberti’s offerings on Substack and LinkedIn. He’s an excellent resource.

SO WHAT SHOULD LEADERS DO?

If you’re a leader using psychometric results to guide development, here’s my invitation:

• Treat assessments as conversation starters, not finish lines.

• Resist the urge to let a label explain away deeper nuances or complexity.

• Stay curious about contradictions: the “introvert” who loves public speaking, the “detail person” who thrives in chaos.

Your team is made up of multi-layered, surprising, sometimes contradictory human beings. Honour that complexity. When type becomes stereotype, you stop seeing potential. But when type is just one gauge on a broader dashboard, you get a far truer picture of the leader – and the person – in front of you.

And when it comes to your own development, choose a coach who works with multiple lenses. A one-dimensional coaching approach will give you a single rough sketch of yourself, which may or may not be useful. The most effective coaches bring in a variety of perspectives and lenses. In Integral Coaching, for example, we look through six interwoven lenses and more than 20 sub-lenses that explore different dimensions of a client’s way of being. Executive coaching then adds further angles such as live observation, feedback, and triangulation with the client’s leader, reflection on developmental objectives, and real-world experimentation. Together, this layered approach offers a far more complete picture of who someone is and how they can grow.

YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE

This week, make it a practice to notice when you or others fall into shorthand labelling. Each time you hear someone say, “She’s a Yellow,” or “He’s so Type 8,” pause and treat it as a piece of data – but not the whole story. Your challenge is to experiment with the mindset that ‘people are layered, dynamic, and evolving’ in your daily interactions.

Here’s how:

1. Observe one colleague through the lens you normally use, and label them. For example, my go-to lens is the Enneagram, so I would choose a person, and label them with what I think is their Ennea-type (E7w6).

2. Now, look at that colleague through at least three different lenses (eg: their behaviour under stress, their underlying motivators, their communication style, their values, their interpersonal skills, the cultural or team context they’re operating within, their internal mindset or state, and the systems or structures influencing them). These additional perspectives reflect the inner world, outer behaviour, relationships, and environment, all shaping who someone is and how they show up.

3. Journal a brief reflection: What were the built-in assumptions you made when you first typed them? What additional insights came when you looked again through additional lenses? Where did your assumptions limit your ability to see them fully before?

4. Next, try a small experiment in a conversation with this person: frame a question that draws out the very differences you noticed in your reflection. For example, if you assumed they were detail-oriented but discovered they are more motivated by big picture impact, ask what outcomes feel most meaningful to them. If you assumed they avoid conflict but saw signs of strongly held values under pressure, ask what principles guide them when the stakes are high. Pay attention to how their answers confirm, challenge, or expand your assumptions, and consider how you might adjust your approach to meet them where they actually are, rather than where you thought they were.

People are never one-dimensional. They are shaped by inner states, observable behaviours, relationships, and environments. When you consciously widen your view, you start to see the whole layered painting rather than just the roughly sketched outline.

If you’d like support building your own dashboard of lenses and experimenting with them in real life, reach out for a free exploratory conversation at www.leslierohonczy.com. I’d love to be your coach.

THE LEADERSHIP ECHO CHAMBER: How Lack of Self-Awareness Undermines Leaders

Leslie Rohonczy, IMC™, PCC, Executive Coach, Leadership Expert, Speaker, Author

You’re in a meeting, and a senior leader – let’s call him Mark – is running the show. Mark is confident. Mark is decisive. Mark is also completely oblivious to the fact that his team is disengaged, his jokes are falling flat, and his ‘inspirational’ speech is about as energizing as a Monday morning budget meeting.

Poor Mark has no idea. Not a hot clue. He believes he’s leading with impact when, in reality, his team is mentally drafting their resignation emails and counting down the hours until they can get the hell out of there.

This, my friends, is the silent dealbreaker of leadership: lack of self-awareness. And unlike poor strategy or bad financial decisions, this one doesn’t come with warning lights or colourful metrics in quarterly reports. It sneaks up quietly, erodes trust, and before you know it, you’re ‘that guy’; the leader people respect on paper but avoid in the lunchroom.

YOU CAN’T FIX WHAT YOU CAN’T SEE

I talk a lot about emotional intelligence with leaders. And we talk a lot about strategic vision, too. But if a leader’s self-awareness isn’t at the foundation of their leadership, it’s like building a house on quicksand; it looks great – for a while – until everything collapses.

Dr. Tasha Eurich is an organizational psychologist and researcher who found that 95% of people believe they are self-aware, but only 10-15% actually are. That means there’s a whopping number of well-intentioned leaders walking around blissfully unaware of how they’re actually showing up.

And just to dial up the discomfort even more, here’s an ironic twist: the higher up the ladder you go, the harder it becomes to get an honest mirror. Not because senior leaders suddenly lose their self-awareness, but because fewer people are willing to offer unfiltered truth. Power dynamics, fear of retaliation, or the assumption that “they must know what they’re doing” create an echo chamber of polished updates and sugar-coated feedback. Over time, this curated input distorts a leader’s sense of how they’re truly showing up. Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t see what others see. And when you can’t see yourself clearly, you make decisions based on a version of reality that doesn’t actually exist.

SO, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN LEADERS LACK SELF-AWARENESS?

When leaders don’t see their own blind spots, a few things start to happen:

1. THEY MISREAD THE ROOM

Ever sat in a meeting where a leader delivers a long-winded monologue about “open communication” while everyone nervously avoids eye contact? It’s excruciating. A lack of self-awareness means you might believe your words inspire collaboration when, in reality, your presence stifles it. The best leaders understand how their tone, body language, and energy affect others – because leadership isn’t just about what you say. It’s about how you make people feel.

2. THEY REPEAT PATTERNS THAT DON’T WORK

If multiple teams have questioned your “collaborative” style, dial up your curiosity about whether your version of collaboration feels like command-and-control to others. The signal might not be rejection – it might be resistance to a misalignment between intention and impact. Many leaders operate on autopilot, defaulting to behaviors they’ve picked up over the years without questioning whether they actually work. If you keep encountering the same challenges – team disengagement, turnover, low morale – it’s worth asking: What’s my role in this?

3. THEY ERODE TRUST WITHOUT REALIZING IT

Trust is the currency of leadership. Without it, you’re just a person with a fancy title. And the fastest way to lose trust? Being out of sync with how you impact others. Imagine a leader who preaches work-life balance but sends emails at midnight. Or one who claims to value innovation but shuts down every new idea. These disconnects create cognitive dissonance, and over time, people stop believing in you – not because you’re malicious, but because your actions don’t align with your words.

SELF-AWARENESS AS A LEADERSHIP SUPERPOWER

If you've read this far and are thinking, “Well, this definitely isn’t about me,” I’ve got news for you: based simply on the stats, it probably is. So, how do you become more self-aware?

Here are three ways to start sharpening your self-awareness muscle:

1. ASK FOR FEEDBACK (AND ACTUALLY LISTEN)

Most leaders claim they want feedback. But when they receive it, often their defensive mode kicks in faster than you can say “constructive criticism.”

Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at Wharton, explains that the best leaders actively seek out and embrace uncomfortable truths. Instead of asking, “How am I doing?” try, “What’s one thing I could do better?” It invites honesty without putting people on the spot. (And here's a cool neuroscience nugget: challenging the brain to find 'one' thing will actually yield better results than saying 'is there anything I could do better?")

And when you receive feedback? Don’t justify. Don’t explain. Just say, “Thank you.” Let it sink in. Reflect on your reaction to it. Find the insights to help you build your self-awareness and then act on it. As Maya Angelou famously said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

2. PAY ATTENTION TO PATTERNS

Do people often say you interrupt? Do your teams seem hesitant to answer your questions? Does your direct report “have another meeting” when you ask for a quick chat?

Those are clues. Self-aware leaders look for patterns in their interactions – not just individual incidents. If the same feedback (or silence) keeps showing up, there’s something to explore.

Here's a useful exercise: keep a leadership journal. Each week, jot down observations about your interactions. Over time, patterns will emerge – ones you can either correct or capitalize on.

3. BUILD A REFLECTION PRACTICE

Harvard Business School research found that leaders who take time to reflect on their experiences perform significantly better than those who don’t. Even taking five minutes a day to jot down, “What went well today? What didn’t? What’s one thing I’d do differently tomorrow?” – can shift how you lead.

Reflection doesn’t mean dwelling on mistakes – it means learning from them. Reflection doesn’t require a retreat or a journal filled with profound musings. Even a few quiet minutes can offer surprising clarity that can open the door to greater self-awareness (the kind of growth that most leaders say they want but rarely make time for).

YOUR IMPACT MATTERS MORE THAN YOUR INTENTION

You might intend to be a compassionate, visionary leader. But if your impact doesn’t align with your intention, you’re missing the mark. Great leaders – truly great ones – aren’t the ones who are always right. They’re the ones who are always learning. So, here’s the tough question: are you actively cultivating self-awareness, or just hoping it happens by osmosis? Don’t wait to find out the hard way that you’ve been Mark all along.

The silent dealbreaker isn’t a lack of skill, ambition, or intelligence. It’s the inability to see yourself clearly. And high-performing leaders make sure they never stop looking.

CHANGING BEHAVIOUR BY CHALLENGING ASSUMPTIONS

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

Do you ever find yourself lost in thought, unaware of what's really going on in your mind? Many of us move through life on autopilot, unconsciously navigating our daily routines. This mental shortcut is often helpful—imagine having to think about every step of making coffee each morning! Thankfully, our brains have already made a mental map of the rooms and daily behaviors that we typically engage in. We don’t have to make every little decision consciously – where the light switch is located, how many steps to the sink, where the cups are located, how to make the tap water flow – these are all done on autopilot, reserving our cognitive brain power for more important things.

This autopilot mode becomes evident when we arrive at work without remembering the commute or realize we've nodded through a meeting without absorbing a word. We might even snap, "I'm not mad!" when we're clearly upset. These moments show how much we operate on unconscious patterns.

But what if we could expand our awareness and become more intentional about our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions? By practicing 'intentional noticing,' we can step outside our immediate experiences, view them from new perspectives, and uncover hidden insights that can transform our mindset and behavior.

Awareness isn't easy; we often live subject to our perceptions, believing our beliefs and behaviors are fixed parts of our identity. You might see yourself as shy, conflict-averse, or unable to learn new skills. These self-narratives can limit us, driving unconscious beliefs and actions.

The goal of this coaching practice is to foster self-awareness, identify limiting beliefs, and generate fresh insights. It helps you explore unseen possibilities and guides you toward your aspirational self. By turning 'subject' into 'object,' we can examine what's causing our discomfort, gaining clarity and new choices.

Instructions: Five Steps to Unpack Limiting Beliefs

Find a quiet spot and spend 30 minutes reflecting on the following five questions. Capture your thoughts in a journal as the foundation of your actionable plan.

Step 1: WHAT - Identify the Limiting Belief

Name the belief driving the behavior you want to change. For instance, if you see the world as dangerous, you might avoid speaking up in meetings, focus on safety, and shy away from conflict. For example: "I believe it’s unsafe to speak up, so I stay quiet to avoid drawing attention."

Step 2: WHAT IS - Gather Supporting Evidence

Identify evidence you use to support this belief. You might focus on negative news, crime statistics, and potential risks. For example: "I worry about criticism and negative feedback, ruminating on times when others were shut down or ridiculed for their ideas."

Step 3: WHAT ELSE - Seek Opposing Evidence

Find evidence that contradicts your belief. Ask how you are safe right now, what systems maintain order, how risks can be beneficial, and what rewards may be possible as a result. For example: "When I think about it, there have been meetings where colleagues who spoke up were praised for their input, and their ideas led to productive discussions. My workplace values open communication and has structures in place for respectful dialogue."

Step 4: WHAT IF - Imagine a New Behavior

Visualize how you would act if the limiting belief weren't true. Consider how you'd behave differently and the potential positive outcomes. For example: "If I believed it was safe to speak up, I would share my ideas confidently during meetings, knowing that my contributions are valued and can lead to positive changes. I would engage more actively in discussions and build stronger relationships with my colleagues, and would be recognized for my contributions."

Step 5: WHAT NOW - Experiment with New Actions

How might you experiment with behaving this way now? Start small and gradually build your confidence in acting against your limiting belief. For example: "In the next team meeting, I'll prepare a few points I want to share. I'll start by making a small comment or asking a question to ease into speaking up. Over time, I'll present my ideas and perspectives regularly, inviting feedback and discussion from my colleagues."

HAPPY EXPERIMENTING!

For more coaching and leadership development practices, visit www.leslierohonczy.com.

WHAT LIMITING BELIEFS ARE HOLDING YOU BACK?

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

In a recent coaching session, I worked with a client who had made an important career decision. Together, we explored how certain unconscious, limiting beliefs can silently influence our experiences, behaviors, and perceptions. These beliefs often lurk beneath the surface, shaping our lives without us even realizing it.

What I’ve noticed is that it doesn’t matter whether my client comes from the business or music world; emerging or seasoned professional; CXO or entry-level employee; limiting beliefs can keep us small, stuck, and blocked from living our best lives.

Research by Dr. Carol Dweck, the renowned psychologist who coined the terms "fixed mindset" and "growth mindset", highlights the pervasive nature of limiting beliefs. She describes how beliefs about our abilities can profoundly impact our success. Those with a fixed mindset have the limiting belief that their abilities (or lack of abilities) are innate and unchangeable, leading them to shy away from challenges. Conversely, those with a growth mindset view challenges as opportunities for growth and embrace them wholeheartedly.

Take, for instance, a common limiting belief I’ve seen with clients: expecting other people to react with the same emotions WE would have in a similar situation. The reality is that we’re all wired differently, and we can’t rely on our own emotional wiring and internal perceptions to map how others will react.

Another limiting belief that many of us unconsciously hold is believing that we can somehow control others' thoughts or opinions about us. As I've written in my book, ‘Coaching Life: Navigating Life’s Most Common Coaching Topics’, what others think of you is simply none of your business. Others’ reactions to you – negative or positive – just shows you how others are wired, and what THEY pay attention to. It doesn’t reveal any more to you about who YOU are, your worth, or your value.

If, like many others, this topic of limiting beliefs resonates for you too, here's a powerful four-step coaching practice to tackle limiting beliefs head-on.

Challenge Assumptions with Evidence

1.      Identify the Limiting Belief: Start by pinpointing the belief that is underlying a behavior you wish to change. What limiting belief prevents you from acting they way you want to, or causes you to second-guess yourself? Reflect on past experiences and patterns to uncover the root cause of your limiting belief.

2.      Seek Supporting Evidence: Ask yourself: what evidence can I find that reinforces this belief? Considering both internal experiences and external influences, what evidence or proof confirms this belief to be true? And how do you know they’re true?

3.      What Evidence Proves the Opposite is True: Seek out evidence to challenge or disprove your limiting belief. Challenge yourself to adopt a curious and open-minded approach, striving for as many other perspectives as you can find. The simple act of looking for opposite examples to our limiting beliefs creates relief from the anxiety of harsh self-judgment. (When we go looking for this contrary evidence, we have a pretty good chance of finding it.)

4.      How Would You Behave Differently: Finally, envision how you would behave if this limiting belief were not holding you back, and the opposite were in fact true. Visualize yourself taking bold and confident actions aligned with your true desires and values. Experiment with showing up in this new way, and notice what is more accessible to you as a result – inside of you in the moment; in the room with others; how people respond differently to you; and how you feel differently about yourself, as a result.

Remember, while beliefs shape our reality, they are not immutable truths. By ferreting out our limiting beliefs, one at a time, and then challenging and reshaping them with a growth mindset, we transform our experiences, and have more resources available to realize our true potential.

WHAT’S HIDING UNDER YOUR WATER LINE?

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com

Have you ever noticed how many iceberg models there are? We see them everywhere: training videos, corporate strategy, technology rollouts; just take a scroll through LinkedIn, and you’ll see what I mean! It's like the Swiss Army knife of metaphors (ah, a metaphor about a metaphors – how meta!)

But amidst the sea of diverse interpretations and representations, you may notice one similar principle that connects all iceberg models:

What we see on the surface is just a fraction of what's truly available to us if we get curious!

Leadership can sometimes feel like we’re navigating the ocean. It demands a keen understanding of the prevailing winds, knowledge of ocean currents, and awareness of the topography and hidden formations underwater.

Think about it—every decision we make, every action we take, and every outcome we achieve, has been influenced by what’s typically under the water line, hidden from awareness. In a similar way, unless we intentionally go exploring, we’re not usually aware of the deeper aspects below the water line that are driving our behaviours above it; things like a limiting belief, a fixed mindset, or a past challenge that feels similar.

We each have our own personal version of an iceberg model, with easy and frequent access to what’s within our awareness above our water line. But often, we are unaware of what’s below it, unconsciously influencing us, until when we notice discomfort, or get feedback from our partners, friends, leader, peers, or employees about our actions or behaviours.

As leaders, we also need to leverage this iceberg awareness with our employees. Taking a tandem dive below the water line with each person on your team can help them uncover the beliefs, values, and emotions that shape their behaviors and outcomes. If you're not paying attention to what's going on below the water line, you're missing out on some significant insights that could help you and your employees build self-awareness, resilience, trust, and confidence. The bonus prize in diving below the surface together is that it also builds vulnerability-based trust between you and your people.

Leaders who grasp the significance of delving beneath the surface (their own, and alongside their employees) are better equipped to navigate the turbulent waters of organizational dynamics. They recognize that beneath every action, decision, and outcome lies a complex interplay of beliefs, values, and emotions—elements that shape behaviors and drive results.

But here's the thing: in our fast-paced world, where time is a precious commodity and speed often trumps everything else, many leaders find themselves skimming the surface, hesitant to delve into the depths below, where a richness of insights awaits exploration.

But the ability to dive deeper, occasionally hopping into their submarine to do a deep dive below what’s known, obvious, or common is one of the markers of a high-performing leader.

Imagine you're dealing with a team conflict. On the surface, it may show up as a clash of personalities or conflicting agendas. But if you dig a little deeper, you might uncover some juicy nuggets — like unresolved tensions, unmet needs, or divergent values—that are fuelling the discord. And here's the kicker: if you ignore what's going on beneath the surface, you're not only missing out on valuable insights, but the situation will only get worse.

Take a moment to reflect on a leadership challenge that you're facing right now. Here are three questions to help you explore the situation more deeply:

1. How could taking a deep dive, beneath the surface information you currently have, help you better understand what's really happening?

2. Who do you need to have a deeper conversation with?

3. How will you create a sense of safety during these deeper conversations, so that people can open up without fear of judgment?

The bottom line: what you see is just the tip of the iceberg. By embracing the depths, we can become better leaders, colleagues, friends, parents, and better humans overall.

FIXED VERSUS GROWTH MINDSET

by Leslie Rohonczy, Executive Coach, IMC, PCC | ©2024 | www.leslierohonczy.com 

According to neuroscientific research into leadership over several years, when humans face engagement challenges, or experience difficulty with change, we typically see it as either a threat (distress) or a challenge (eustress). When our brains perceive a threat or the possibility that our needs will not be met, it can create a ‘fixed’ mindset: our pre-frontal cortex goes ‘off-line’ while the more primitive brain circuits take over. This is the conditioned emotional response of the amygdala (our reptilian brain), and the typical emotionally driven actions that result. The amygdala activates brainstem stress systems, which in turn activate the sympathetic nervous system.

         It’s been documented by neuroscientists that being socially excluded can temporarily drop our IQ by almost fifteen points, because our brains use so much processing power for the ‘fight, flight, freeze, submit’ response. Our pre-frontal cortex diverts energy from its rational executive function under social stress. And when we feel threatened, our limbic system processes potential danger with momentary heightened alertness, but this decreases our ability for wider perception, understanding, creativity and collaboration. We can experience tunnel vision, it becomes difficult to see issues and solve problems, we can’t think as clearly, our ability to solve problems decreases, and we aren’t as good at working with others.

         In a fixed mindset, we may doubt our abilities, worry about others’ perceptions of us, and shy away from taking a chance. Our inner critic is driving the bus, especially when we feel we may lose status, independence, connection to others, or could be treated unfairly. We focus on the problem, become mired in details, feel anxious and defensive, and can lash out or run away while trying to maintain the status quo by focusing on what there is to lose. There is a sense of moving ‘away from’ the issues with a fixed mindset. Moving away from threat is a stronger, faster, longer lasting, and more common driver than a reward response, which requires our awareness and intention.

         With a growth mindset, there is a feeling of moving ‘toward’ the reward that can be obtained through growing perception, insights, and collaboration with others. When we build and embrace a growth mindset, we believe something is just a challenge to overcome. We trust that we can get better and improve and see it as a great opportunity to develop new skills and awareness. We see that we’ve moved forward from where we were before. A growth mindset sees a challenge, focuses on the solutions and end goal, and finds ways to make thing better. We feel open and determined, and we can experience our negative emotions as a propeller to move us into greater engagement and growth.

         You’ll be able to tell which mindset you’re in by asking yourself the following question: “Do I want to ‘be good’ and ‘prove’ my worth and that I’m better than others?” (a fixed mindset) or “do I want to ‘get better’ and ‘IM-prove’ my own performance and skills?” (a growth mindset).

Fixed VS Growth Mindset

COACHING CHALLENGE

Here’s a simple two by two model that can help you identify where you’re at, and the stance necessary to grow. The first axis is whether something is known to you or unfamiliar, and the second axis is about the instinct to move towards or away from it.

         The upper left ‘Explore’ quadrant represents a growth mindset and requires a stance of courageous curiosity. There is something unknown to us here, but we find it intriguing or inviting in some way, so we move toward it with curiosity. This is where we find innovative ideas and untapped resources.

         The upper right quadrant also represents a growth mindset, and this stance allows us to ‘Exploit’ opportunities and known resources. It leverages what’s known on behalf of moving forward with agency and action. This quadrant is often the most comfortable because we are familiar with the circumstance and willing to move forward. The downside is that we may avoid the unknown in exchange for what feels comfortable.

         Our lower right ‘Avoid’ quadrant is born from a protective stance that is focused on circumventing known pitfalls. It can make us feel safer but runs the risk of keeping us from living into our fullest potential. And it does nothing to prepare us for or protect us from the unknowns that can arise.

         And finally, the lower left ‘Ignore’ quadrant represents a fixed mindset. It’s a fear-based stance about what is unfamiliar or unknown. In this quadrant, our instinct may be to keep ourselves at a safe distance, securely tucked inside our bubble of ignorance. We may even consider moving to the ‘Avoid’ quadrant, but what might better serve us is to leverage the ‘Explore’ quadrant, to get curious about what is unknown.

Each of these quadrants is useful in its own right, depending on our circumstances, and it’s helpful to be able to recognize which stance we’re in, so that we can make conscious choices that broaden our perspective.

Excerpt from COACHING LIFE: Navigating Life’s Most Common Coaching Topics, by Leslie Rohonczy. Available in paperback or audiobook: Amazon.ca, Audible, iTunes