By LESLIE ROHONCZY, Executive Coach (PCC), Integral Master Coach (IMC); Author of Coaching Life: Navigating Life’s Most Common Coaching Topics
JANUARY 2024
Are you wrestling with imposter ‘syndrome’? Many of us grapple with self-inflicted shame, feeling like frauds and fearing that someone will eventually stumble upon our terrible secret: “I don’t know what I’m doing; I don’t deserve to be here; and it’s just a matter of time before I get found out!” We explain away our accomplishments as the result of serendipitous luck, or clever trickery, and believe that eventually we will be exposed when someone realizes that we don’t have a hot clue what we’re doing. It often hits people that outwardly look like they have it all going on: high achieving, academically accomplished bright lights who secretly doubt their own abilities despite obvious evidence to the contrary, and who instead believe they are inadequate, incompetent, flawed, failures. Roughly 85% of working adults admit to feeling inadequate or incompetent at work, and almost 70% don't feel they deserve their current success. Of these, one in four said they experience these feelings often, or all the time.
When clients arrive with a self-diagnosis of imposter ‘syndrome’, I prefer to reframe it as an imposter ‘response’ to what they’re experiencing (it should never have been pathologized as a clinical diagnosis in the first place). Imposter response can manifest differently depending on a person’s background, personality, life experience and circumstances, but the common denominator is the fear of being ‘found out’. The imposter response is related to our inner critics: while our inner critic is focused on self-judgment, our imposter response is preoccupied with what to do about it to avoid shame. And in working with hundreds of individuals over the years, I’m convinced that culturally, we are experiencing epidemic proportions of imposter response at this time in our modern world.
Here are five imposter response types, based loosely on the work of Dr. Valerie Young. Notice the sense of striving that is the common thread in each of them and how they all ultimately create shame (although what they strive for is different).
THE SILVER MEDALIST
I’ve called this the silver medalist, rather than gold, because winning a silver medal feels like profound inadequacy. The silver medalist has lost their event to the gold medalist – it feels worse than the bronze medalist, who had to win their competition to reach the podium. The feeling of failure attached to this imposter response is palpable. Silver Medalists strive for perfection and focus on ‘how’ they’re getting things done. They will set excessively ambitious goals for themselves, and then experience unbearable self-doubt and anxiety; often they will compensate by over-controlling, becoming impatient, and feeling that no one else is capable. Work must be done perfectly every time, and they take no joy in their success, feeling like they could always have done a better job. These are the micromanagers who won’t delegate, and if they do, they will be unsatisfied with the result from others. One tiny mistake in an otherwise excellent performance feels like failure, which triggers shame.
THE SUPERHERO
If we are convinced that we’re a phony going undetected among authentic colleagues, we protect our dirty little secret by striving to work harder than everyone else around us. This ‘superhero’ type usually has consequences on physical and mental health and can impact relationships. Superheroes are typically workaholics who rarely find time for self-care, hobbies, or relaxation. They don’t feel worthy of their titles so must prove their worth through acts of continuous striving, rather than from the output of the work itself. Their focus is on measuring their worth by how many things they can juggle and do well. When they miss the unrealistically high mark, they feel shame for not being capable of perfectly handling everything.
THE VIRTUOSO
The belief that they need to be a natural born genius causes this type to harshly judge how quickly and easily they perform, without considering how much effort or expertise is truly needed to excel in an area. If Virtuosos take ‘too long’ to pick up a new skill, they feel ashamed. They combine unreasonable expectations with harsh self-judgement about the need to perform perfectly right away. The Virtuoso is an action-oriented perfectionist that focuses on how quickly and easily something gets accomplished. If they struggle to ramp up or learn a new skill and can’t create a masterpiece right away, they equate that to failure, which triggers shame.
THE SOLOIST
Some people want to be perceived as independent and hold the belief that asking others for help exposes them as frauds. Soloists carry a very heavy load because they believe that they must prove their worth, that it’s all up to them, that no one else is going to come and rescue them, so they must do for themselves. They often refuse help, and if they end up requiring assistance from someone else, they feel diminished as a result. To feel accomplished, the Soloist must do it alone; to need help is to be a failure, which evokes shame.
THE GURU
Gurus measure their competence by what they know, and how well they can do something. They believe they can never know enough information, and are afraid of being perceived as inexperienced, ill-informed, unaware, or downright wrong. Their constant thirst for more training, certification or knowledge prevents them from really experiencing the weight of their expertise fully. Their focus is on what they can do, and how much they know. When Gurus can’t meet the unattainable expectation to know absolutely everything, they feel like failures, which triggers shame.
HOW TO QUIET YOUR IMPOSTER RESPONSE
If you’ve experienced imposter response, you probably chalked your success up to external influences, chance, charisma, connections, dumb luck, or your finely-honed ability to skate your way through life. But the imposter’s true dragon slayer lies within us, not outside of ourselves. Here are a few ideas you can experiment with.
Accept that you in fact are an imposter at various times in your life – and that’s normal. We all are, in some way. But if we let our imposter drive this bus, it will rob us of the chance to really feel our accomplishment.
At the root of the imposter response is an inability to internalize success (‘thanks, but I just got lucky’; ‘thanks, but it’s not perfect’; ‘thanks, but I got it at a thrift shop’). It’s often lauded as humility (however false it may be). Owning our victories takes authenticity and personal integrity.
Some people feel the need to seek validation from others, even clinging to backhanded compliments or slightly positive feedback. Allow yourself to feel great when someone pays you a compliment, but don’t rely on external validation as the measure of your self-worth.
Sometimes we can fall into the trap of setting the bar low, or even failing intentionally. Experiment with embracing the challenge – all in. If you succeed, you will have internalized it as a personal win. And if you don’t, it’s an opportunity to acknowledge your bravery in daring to try.
Some who struggle with their impostors become paralyzed in thought about what they want to do, waiting until they feel more ‘ready’. What might you have to loosen your grip on, to allow yourself to experiment?
The more we can get into motion and take specific actions that move us towards our goals, the less of a hold our imposter will have on us. In fact, authenticity is the Imposter’s kryptonite. When we decide that we will live our authentic truth every day, we align our thoughts and behaviors with our values, creating a sense of true freedom to be exactly who we are meant to be.
If you’re curious to explore how your imposter response may be getting in your way, contact me for a free coaching consultation. I’d love to help you tame your imposter response and build greater confidence, self-awareness, and strategies for success.
LESLIE ROHONCZY | Executive Coach (PCC), Integral Master Coach™ (IMC)
613-863-8347 | LESLIEROHONCZY@LIVE.COM | WWW.LESLIEROHONCZY.COM