Long before we acquired the title, built the résumé, learned the leadership language, and figured out which parts of ourselves were considered suitably professional, there was something distinctive about how each of us showed up in the world. A particular combination of gifts, instincts, values, passions, and quirks. Something people could feel in our presence, even if neither they nor we had a name for it. I call that our “-ness.”
I get to work with some pretty remarkable people, each with their own way of thinking, connecting, creating, and contributing. One leader brings order to situations that feel chaotic to everyone else. Another can walk into a tense room and help people exhale. Someone else asks the question that can cut through six weeks of circular discussion and gets everybody looking at the real issue.
These abilities may not appear in their job descriptions. They may never have been formally taught. Often, the person doesn’t even recognize them as unusual.
That’s the funny thing about our most natural gifts: because they come naturally to us, we assume they come naturally to everyone. They don’t.
WHAT EXACTLY IS OUR “-NESS”?
Our “-ness” is the distinctive combination of qualities we bring to the people and situations around us. It includes our strengths, values, talents, passions, instincts, emotional range, and ways of seeing. It’s less about what we do than about what becomes possible because we are there.
My own “Leslie-ness” is rooted in creativity, empathy, emotional intelligence, decisiveness, and an insatiable curiosity about why people do what they do. It helps me see patterns in people’s behaviour, understand their wiring, and find language or metaphors that allow them to see themselves differently.
My husband Imre’s “-ness” is different. He plans, anticipates, and takes care of details that help other people feel safe. He is naturally in service, often noticing what someone will need before they know they need it.
Neither combination is better. They create different kinds of value. When I ask a coaching client, “What is your Steve-ness?” or “What is your Diana -ness?”, the question often earns me a puzzled look followed by a laugh. That’s useful. Playfulness can sometimes get us past the polished leadership answer and into something more honest. Then the exploration begins:
What do people consistently come to you for?
What becomes easier when you’re involved?
What do you notice that others often miss?
When do you feel most fully yourself?What would be lost if you stopped bringing that part of yourself to your work?
Those questions take us somewhere a competency assessment can’t always reach.
OUR “-NESS” IS FOUND IN OUR IMPACT
Many of us initially describe our “-ness” with a collection of adjectives: creative, kind, analytical, courageous, funny, calm, strategic. That’s a useful beginning, but it doesn’t tell the whole story. To understand our “-ness,” we also need to understand its effect.
Consider the difference between these two descriptions: “I’m highly analytical” and “I help people find clarity inside complicated problems”. The first names a quality. The second reveals its impact.
In my own example, “I’m empathetic” becomes “People tell me things they haven’t been able to say anywhere else.” “I’m creative” becomes “I help people see possibilities they couldn’t see before.” “I’m decisive” becomes “I help groups stop circling and commit to a direction.”
Our “-ness” lives at the intersection of what comes naturally to us and what it makes possible for others.
There is research behind the value of bringing our natural strengths to work. A 2025 meta-analysis study examined character-strength use across workplace studies and found meaningful positive associations with both work performance and employee well-being. In plain language, possessing strengths matters, but having the opportunity to use them matters just as much. If we don’t, we risk knowing exactly who we are but still working in ways that leave our best qualities sitting unused in the parking lot.
HOW LEADERS LOSE TOUCH WITH THEIR “-NESS”
As leaders become more senior, they receive an astonishing amount of information about who they are supposed to be. They should be more strategic, more decisive, more diplomatic, more concise, more inspiring, more executive-like. Some of that feedback may be useful. Leadership requires range, and most of us need to develop capabilities that don’t come naturally.
The trouble begins when expanding our range turns into replacing ourselves. A warm, relational leader believes that ‘executive presence’ requires emotional distance. A thoughtful leader starts giving instant answers because everyone else at the table appears certain. A creative leader becomes so consumed by operational demands that she stops imagining or being curious. A naturally direct leader learns to soften every message until nobody knows what he actually thinks.
Eventually, these leaders can become highly skilled versions of someone they believe they are supposed to be. They may still perform well and may even be promoted, but leadership starts to feel more effortful, and the people around them often sense a lack of authenticity, like something has gone missing.
Development should give us more ways to be ourselves. It shouldn’t require us to become unrecognizable.
WHEN OUR “-NESS” BECOMES TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING
There is another possible complication: a natural gift can become less helpful when we apply it unconsciously. Our strong empathy muscles can turn into absorbing everyone else’s emotions. Our decisiveness can become impatience and recklessness. Our creativity can keep producing possibilities when the team desperately needs a decision. Our need to be helpful can steal the development opportunities from others. Our calmness can look like detachment. Our desire to serve can lead us to carry work that belongs to other people.
Researchers studying character strengths have explored their underuse, overuse, and context-sensitive use. Our qualities are not innately good or bad, the real question is whether we are using the right strength, in the right amount, for the situation in front of us. This doesn’t make the strength less authentic. It makes the leader more discerning.
Creativity is part of my “Leslie-ness”, but that doesn’t mean every executive coaching session needs twelve new ideas, a framework, and an elaborate metaphor involving an air-traffic control tower. Sometimes the most useful contribution I can make is to stop creating and help someone choose.
Our “-ness” always comes with a shadow side, and knowing the shadow allows us to use the gift with greater skill.
MAKING MORE OF WHAT IS ALREADY THERE
Once we have language for our “-ness,” we can become more intentional about where and how we use it. We can ask:
Where am I currently making the best use of these qualities?
Where have I been muting them to fit someone else’s image of leadership?
Where might I be relying on them too heavily (an over-strength)?
What situations bring out the clearest and most generous expression of them?
What do I need to develop so that my natural gifts have even greater impact?
That last question is especially important because embracing our “-ness” doesn’t mean giving ourselves permanent permission to avoid what’s uncomfortable. “I’m a big-picture person” can’t become an excuse to ignore details that affect other people. And “I’m direct” doesn’t release us from considering how our message will land. “I’m highly relational” does not mean we can avoid a difficult performance conversation. Authenticity without self-awareness can become self-indulgence. Our work is to honour what is natural in us while developing the range to use it responsibly.
YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE
Set aside 30 minutes when you’re unlikely to be interrupted. Give yourself enough time to get beyond the first, polished answer and reflect on these questions:
What do people consistently experience or receive when I’m at my best?
What comes naturally to me that I may have underestimated because it seems ordinary?
Where am I currently suppressing part of my “-ness” to match someone else’s idea of leadership?
When does one of my natural gifts become too much of a good thing (an over-strength)?
What could become possible if I used my “-ness” more intentionally?
You might also ask three or four people who know you in different parts of your life:
“When I’m at my best, what is distinctively me?” Don’t ask only colleagues. A longtime friend, sibling, partner, former employee, or adult child may recognize something your professional world has never named. Listen for patterns, particularly in the impact people describe.
WHAT WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT YOUR “-NESS”?
Finding our “-ness” isn’t about manufacturing a personal brand or finding three marketable adjectives for our LinkedIn profile. It’s about understanding the particular contribution we are equipped to make.
And once you’ve done the deep work of identifying your -ness, know that it's likely to evolve as you do. There isn’t one permanent definition. We keep growing, and different parts of us will become more visible as our lives and leadership evolve. But there is often a recognizable thread running through all of it: the way we help, challenge, steady, connect, illuminate, seek clarity, create, or make things possible.
Ask yourself, “What is my ‘-ness’, and are the people I lead, my peers, and my leaders, getting enough of it?”
If you’d like support in deepening your self-awareness, understanding your distinctive leadership strengths, and expanding the impact you’re able to create, reach out for a free exploratory executive coaching conversation at www.leslierohonczy.com.