You’ve got the title, the credentials, and the career wins. And still, a voice in your head whispers, “Not good enough.”
You’re not alone. I hear some version of this almost daily from the brilliant, high-performing leaders I coach. They’ve led multi-million-dollar transformations, delivered record-breaking quarters, built respected teams, and still feel like they’re faking it.
Not all the time, of course. But sometimes, in the quiet moments. Or in the Boardroom. Or when getting unexpected feedback. I’ve often said that this harsh inner dialog seems to exist in epidemic proportions. Leadership is hard enough; being your own worst critic makes it exponentially harder.
Let's look at some of the dangerous myths we find in leadership cultures about the harsh messaging we inflict on ourselves. See if you have any of these limiting beliefs:
If I stop being hard on myself, I’ll lose my edge.
Self-compassion is indulgent or weak.
Without my inner drill sergeant barking in my head, I won’t perform as well.
These myths need to be retired pronto, because self-compassion is a leadership advantage, not a weakness.
YOUR INNER DIALOG
Most of us have an internal narrative that runs in the background, until that uncomfortable moment when we're feeling vulnerable, and it leaps onto center stage. It's usually the result of a limiting belief that’s been rolling around inside of us (perhaps unexamined), influencing how we perceive ourselves and others.
Your inner dialog might sound like “You should’ve known that.” Or “They’re going to figure out you’re not as good as they thought you were.” This persistent mental commentary typically has an uncomfortably pointed message and zero nuance, all delivered via shame, comparison, and second-guessing. And while it might feel like this is a key part of how you protect yourself from failure or humiliation, what it’s really doing is just keeping you small.
If you’ve ever held back a comment in a senior meeting, over-prepared out of fear of looking incompetent, or felt like a fraud despite plenty of positive feedback to the contrary, you’re familiar with this inner dialog.
HOW INNER DIALOG HIJACKS YOUR LEADERSHIP
For many leaders, the inner dialog gets louder as they climb higher, where the risks are greater, and the expectations are higher.
Here’s what I often see with my coaching clients:
Perfectionism posing as excellence: You rework the presentation ten times, not because it’s not good, but because that narrative says it’s never good enough.
Silencing yourself in the room: You hold back bold ideas because that limiting belief says, “Say that, and you’ll look foolish.”
Over-functioning for approval: You carry too much for your team. You hustle for validation instead of leading from a centred, grounded stance.
Withholding feedback: You avoid tough conversations because you tell yourself that you're not experienced enough to deliver them well.
And as if that weren't compelling enough, know this: your inner dialog isn't just harsh; it’s contagious. As leaders, when we operate from self-judgment, we unintentionally create cultures where others do the same.
THE RADICAL SELF-COMPASSION ANTIDOTE
I use the word “radical” deliberately. Not because it’s trendy, but because it feels radical to treat ourselves with compassion in a world that trains us to be relentlessly hard on ourselves.
To be clear, self-compassion isn’t self-pity. And it’s not letting yourself off the hook. It’s the quiet discipline of truthfully acknowledging your intentions, your effort, and your limits, and leading yourself the way you’d lead someone you deeply respect.
Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, defines self-compassion with three elements:
Mindfulness: noticing when you’re struggling
Common humanity: remembering that imperfection is part of being human
Self-kindness: responding to your mistakes with understanding instead of judgment
And the data backs it up. Leaders who practice self-compassion are more resilient, more adaptable, and more likely to take bold risks because they aren’t afraid that a mistake will destroy their credibility.
PRACTICES TO DIAL DOWN THE DIALOG
When you catch yourself in the grip of a limiting belief or a harsh inner dialog, try this practice:
1. Identify the Message.
Write down your inner dialog’s message, exactly as you hear it. Use the same tone and words that arise in you. For example, "You haven't prepared enough, and now the Board is going to see how incompetent you really are." This simple act of writing down the message creates needed distance and clarity.
2. Rewrite the Script.
Reframe the harsh message with one that is more positive and less judgmental. For example, “I might mess up. And I’ll recover. I’ve done it before.”
“I’ve prepared for this. I’ve earned my seat at this table.”
3. Switch the Lens.
Consider, “If a colleague or friend said this about themselves, what would I say?”
Now, say that to yourself.
4. Bring in the Body.
Unclench your jaw. Soften your shoulders. Ground your feet. Take some deep breaths all the way to the bottom of your lungs. These micro-shifts signal safety to your nervous system and help reduce your uncomfortable emotions.
5. Remember Who You Are.
You don’t have to become someone else to lead powerfully. You need to become more you. Lead from the place of authenticity: your values, wiring, and presence.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR LEADERSHIP
When we practice self-compassion, we don’t lower the bar, we raise it. We stop wasting energy in a constant war with ourselves. We show up bolder. We recover faster. We create psychological safety by modelling it. And we give the people around us permission to do the same.
You don’t have to bully yourself into better performance. You don’t need to wait until you feel 'worthy' to speak up. And you certainly don’t have to silence your doubts or needs to be taken seriously.
There’s a better way. If you’re ready to explore how to identify limiting beliefs that are getting in your way, let’s talk. It might be the most radical (and effective) move you make this year.