RADICAL SELF-COMPASSION: How High-Achieving Leaders Tame Their Inner Dialog

You’ve got the title, the credentials, and the career wins. And still, a voice in your head whispers, “Not good enough.”

 You’re not alone. I hear some version of this almost daily from the brilliant, high-performing leaders I coach. They’ve led multi-million-dollar transformations, delivered record-breaking quarters, built respected teams, and still feel like they’re faking it.

 Not all the time, of course. But sometimes, in the quiet moments. Or in the Boardroom. Or when getting unexpected feedback. I’ve often said that this harsh inner dialog seems to exist in epidemic proportions. Leadership is hard enough; being your own worst critic makes it exponentially harder.

 Let's look at some of the dangerous myths we find in leadership cultures about the harsh messaging we inflict on ourselves. See if you have any of these limiting beliefs:

1. If I stop being hard on myself, I’ll lose my edge.

2. Self-compassion is indulgent or weak.

3. Without my inner drill sergeant barking in my head, I won’t perform as well.

 These myths need to be retired pronto, because self-compassion is a leadership advantage, not a weakness.

YOUR INNER DIALOG

Most of us have an internal narrative that runs in the background, until that uncomfortable moment when we're feeling vulnerable, and it leaps onto center stage. It's usually the result of a limiting belief that’s been rolling around inside of us (perhaps unexamined), influencing how we perceive ourselves and others. 

 Your inner dialog might sound like “You should’ve known that.” Or “They’re going to figure out you’re not as good as they thought you were.” This persistent mental commentary typically has an uncomfortably pointed message and zero nuance, all delivered via shame, comparison, and second-guessing. And while it might feel like this is a key part of how you protect yourself from failure or humiliation, what it’s really doing is just keeping you small.

 If you’ve ever held back a comment in a senior meeting, over-prepared out of fear of looking incompetent, or felt like a fraud despite plenty of positive feedback to the contrary, you’re familiar with this inner dialog.

HOW INNER DIALOG HIJACKS YOUR LEADERSHIP

For many leaders, the inner dialog gets louder as they climb higher, where the risks are greater, and the expectations are higher.

 Here’s what I often see with my coaching clients:

• Perfectionism posing as excellence: You rework the presentation ten times, not because it’s not good, but because that narrative says it’s never good enough.

• Silencing yourself in the room: You hold back bold ideas because that limiting belief says, “Say that, and you’ll look foolish.”

• Over-functioning for approval: You carry too much for your team. You hustle for validation instead of leading from a centred, grounded stance.

• Withholding feedback: You avoid tough conversations because you tell yourself that you're not experienced enough to deliver them well.

 And as if that weren't compelling enough, know this: your inner dialog isn't just harsh; it’s contagious. As leaders, when we operate from self-judgment, we unintentionally create cultures where others do the same.

THE RADICAL SELF-COMPASSION ANTIDOTE

I use the word “radical” deliberately. Not because it’s trendy, but because it feels radical to treat ourselves with compassion in a world that trains us to be relentlessly hard on ourselves.

 To be clear, self-compassion isn’t self-pity. And it’s not letting yourself off the hook. It’s the quiet discipline of truthfully acknowledging your intentions, your effort, and your limits, and leading yourself the way you’d lead someone you deeply respect.

 Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, defines self-compassion with three elements:

1. Mindfulness: noticing when you’re struggling

2. Common humanity: remembering that imperfection is part of being human

3. Self-kindness: responding to your mistakes with understanding instead of judgment

 And the data backs it up. Leaders who practice self-compassion are more resilient, more adaptable, and more likely to take bold risks because they aren’t afraid that a mistake will destroy their credibility.

PRACTICES TO DIAL DOWN THE DIALOG

When you catch yourself in the grip of a limiting belief or a harsh inner dialog, try this practice:

 1. Identify the Message.
Write down your inner dialog’s message, exactly as you hear it. Use the same tone and words that arise in you. For example, "You haven't prepared enough, and now the Board is going to see how incompetent you really are." This simple act of writing down the message creates needed distance and clarity.

2. Rewrite the Script.

Reframe the harsh message with one that is more positive and less judgmental. For example, “I might mess up. And I’ll recover. I’ve done it before.”
“I’ve prepared for this. I’ve earned my seat at this table.”

3. Switch the Lens.

Consider, “If a colleague or friend said this about themselves, what would I say?”
Now, say that to yourself.

4. Bring in the Body.
Unclench your jaw. Soften your shoulders. Ground your feet. Take some deep breaths all the way to the bottom of your lungs. These micro-shifts signal safety to your nervous system and help reduce your uncomfortable emotions.

5. Remember Who You Are.
You don’t have to become someone else to lead powerfully. You need to become more you. Lead from the place of authenticity: your values, wiring, and presence.

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR LEADERSHIP

When we practice self-compassion, we don’t lower the bar, we raise it. We stop wasting energy in a constant war with ourselves. We show up bolder. We recover faster. We create psychological safety by modelling it. And we give the people around us permission to do the same.

 You don’t have to bully yourself into better performance. You don’t need to wait until you feel 'worthy' to speak up. And you certainly don’t have to silence your doubts or needs to be taken seriously.

 There’s a better way. If you’re ready to explore how to identify limiting beliefs that are getting in your way, let’s talk. It might be the most radical (and effective) move you make this year.

THE INVISIBLE RULEBOOK: What Women Should Know About the Politics of Visibility

Leslie Rohonczy, IMC™, PCC, Executive Coach, Leadership Expert, Speaker, Author

A few months ago, I had a free exploratory conversation with a senior leader who was looking for an executive coach. She was smart, strategic, and deeply respected by her team. But her frustration was real. “I’m doing everything I’ve been told to do,” she said. “I work hard, I deliver results, I’m easy to work with. And... someone else keeps getting the spotlight.”

If you’re a career-oriented woman, you’ve likely had some version of that conversation with yourself. Or with a friend, or a coach. And it’s not your imagination. You can do everything right, exceed expectations, lead with integrity, even deliver exceptional results, and still watch someone else get the promotion, the credit, the opportunity, or the decision-making authority.

As women, we likely have been told to speak up more. And to speak less. To be assertive. But not intimidating. To show confidence. But not too much confidence, or we'll be seen as arrogant. And most of all, to trust that the results will speak for themselves and our hard work will be rewarded. But results don’t speak; people do. And the people who tend to be heard, seen, and promoted are the ones who’ve learned to navigate the invisible rules of power and influence. They’ve figured out how 'visibility politics' works, when it’s most useful, when it’s risky, and how quickly it can be used against them.

THE MYTH OF MERITOCRACY: HARD WORK ISN’T ENOUGH

There’s a deeply ingrained narrative that if you just put your head down and focus on doing good work, good things will follow. But at the senior leadership level, performance is only one part of the equation. The rest is about power dynamics, relationships, sponsorship, perception, and visibility: do people know who you are, associate your name with strategic value, and see you as someone who belongs in the next-level room?

The traditional old-school leadership pipeline wasn’t designed with women’s experiences, responsibilities, or communication styles in mind. So it’s no wonder that playing by the old rules doesn’t always get us in the game.

Does this feel unfair? Of course it does, because it is! But acknowledging this doesn’t mean we accept it; it means we stop pretending it doesn’t exist. This simple move gives women a clearer picture of the landscape they’re operating in, so they can make some strategic choices about the power dynamics they’re navigating.

What I see too often are brilliant women opting out of the political layer of leadership because it feels manipulative and inauthentic. They just don’t want to play the game. But opting out doesn’t make the game go away. It just means someone else is influencing the outcome.

I'm not suggesting you become someone you’re not, of course. But what about becoming more familiar with how power flows and how to work with it, without compromising your values?

EXECUTIVE INFLUENCE ISN’T LOUD. IT’S STRATEGIC

Executive presence isn’t just about the content of your messages in meetings. It’s also about how you carry yourself, how you build trust, challenge others, and how you calibrate your message for the room you’re in.

Real influence happens through three key channels:

• TRUST: People believe in your judgment and character because you consistently demonstrate credibility, reliability, and a deep commitment to your work and values. You follow through on your promises, own your decisions, and show up with integrity, even when it’s difficult. That kind of consistency builds trust over time.

• ALIGNMENT: You understand and speak to what matters most to others and to the mission of the company. While others may get caught up in details, urgency, or distractions, you’re able to zoom out, see the bigger picture, and help others make meaningful connections between priorities, strategy, and outcomes.

• VISIBILITY: Your work, presence, and voice are known, valued, and repeated in the right rooms. And others carry your message forward even when you’re not in the room. You are seen as influential and strategic, even in your absence. Visibility is not the same as exposure. Women are often visible in the sense of being busy, productive, and praised, but exposure is about being seen by the right people, in the right context, connected to the right conversations.

This isn’t about self-promotion. It’s about strategic participation: knowing when to lean in, when to amplify others, when to ask the hard question, and when to plant a seed and let it grow.

HEALTHY POLITICS VS. TOXIC POWER PLAYS

Let’s define some terms. Office politics, at its best, is just the art of working with people, navigating competing priorities, influencing decisions, and building alliances.

Toxic politics, on the other hand, thrives in environments where trust is low and ‘playing the game’ is rewarded. And unfortunately, when women step into influential roles in these toxic cultures, they often face double standards or are labelled as ‘too much.’

Women are often asked to take on support roles and to help smooth conflict, in order to keep teams functioning, but these roles rarely get rewarded. Meanwhile, access to off-the-record conversations or informal sponsors often happens in places they don’t have access to, or are not invited.

So is the system flawed? Hellya it is. But waiting for the system to change isn’t a viable career strategy. Learning how to work within it, authentically, wisely, and strategically, is a leadership imperative.

WHO GETS CREDIT, WHO GETS HEARD, AND WHO GETS SEEN

One of the most frustrating dynamics I hear from the women leaders I coach is this: they share an idea in a meeting, and no one responds. Ten minutes later, a man repeats it, and suddenly, it’s a brilliant idea.

This is not your imagination. Multiple studies show that men are more likely to be given credit, airtime, and perceived authority, even when women bring equal or better ideas to the table. By the way, this happens to racialized leaders, too. And it’s a double-whammy if you’re a woman of colour.

So what can you do?

• Take up your full space. Not just physically, but vocally and energetically. Speak early. Speak with intention. Don’t qualify your points with “I could be wrong but…” or “just my two cents…” Those seemingly humble and deferential qualifiers are credibility-killers.

• Own your ideas. If someone piggybacks off your contribution without acknowledging you, follow up with: “I’m glad that point resonated. Building on what I shared earlier, here’s how I think we could move it forward…”

• Leverage your allies. Front-load where you can by previewing your ideas with trusted colleagues who can reinforce and validate your input in the room.

HOW COACHING HELPS

Learning to navigate visibility, without apology, performance anxiety, or burnout, is not something most of us were taught. But it can be practiced, built, and even enjoyed.

Many women I coach don’t realize how often they’re unconsciously opting out of influence, minimizing their contributions, avoiding strategic visibility, or underestimating their political capital.

Coaching helps surface these blind spots and offers real-time practice to help you speak with more conviction, hold your power in a room, ask for sponsorship without apology, and decode the invisible rules that are specific to your workplace, all without betraying your values.

In coaching sessions, we work on presence, mindset, on the micro-moves that shift perception. And most importantly, we work on what feels authentic, because influence is not about being louder; it’s about being clear, intentional, and visible in the moments that matter.

Ready to stop waiting to be noticed and start leading on purpose? Reach out for a free exploratory conversation at www.leslierohonczy.com. You don’t need to change who you are to lead powerfully. You just need to stop sitting on the sidelines of your own influence.