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Over almost twenty years, I've had the privilege of observing hundreds of one-on-one conversations between leaders and their employees. Some have been inspiring. Others have been uncomfortable. And some have definitely changed careers. Through all of those observations, one pattern keeps appearing, regardless of the leader's experience, industry, or personality wiring. By the time the conversation ends, only one person seems to be carrying the outcome, and surprisingly often, it's the leader.
A while ago, I was coaching a senior executive who told me he felt completely exhausted. His workload was heavy, to be sure, but not extraordinarily unmanageable; nothing had gone spectacularly wrong, and no crisis was unfolding around him. In fact, his team was capable, he described his own leader as very supportive. But he seemed to be carrying something a lot heavier than just his workload. When I asked what was weighing on him, he named one of his Directors, explained how frustrated he was with this person’s lack of accountability, and said, "I've tried everything!" As coaches, we've all learned to be curious whenever someone says they've tried everything, so we unpacked what "everything" meant.
He'd had several coaching conversations with this Director, had given him clear feedback, clarified expectations, asked thoughtful questions, and offered him support. He'd challenged when necessary and followed up on established commitments. By any reasonable standard, he was doing what good leaders do.
When he told me, "I just can't get him to take ownership", something shifted. It was such an off-handed comment that would’ve been easy to let pass. But it piqued my curiosity, so I asked him a question: "Can you actually make another adult take ownership?" He smiled almost immediately. "No." "So why are you carrying responsibility for whether he does?" He got reflective for a minute, processing this new a-ha.
It turned out he wasn't exhausted because his Director wasn't changing. He was exhausted because he'd given himself the responsibility for whether his Director changed. Those are two very different things.
I've come to believe this is one of the biggest hidden drivers of Leadership Friction. Leaders are unknowingly creating drag in their own leadership by carrying outcomes that don’t actually belong to them. And that in turn creates drag in the very systems they’re trying to streamline. Then they worry about whether feedback lands; they replay difficult conversations in the car on the way home, wondering whether someone was offended, whether the team bought into the decision, or if an employee will finally follow through this time. Every minute of attention invested there is attention unavailable for the work leaders actually own.
Most of the time, it happens for a very understandable reason: they care. In fact, I've noticed it's often the leaders who care the most who are most likely to fall into this leadership hole. They genuinely want people to succeed, and they want coaching conversations to make a difference. They want their employees to grow, and the team to thrive. Those are all signs of a leader who is deeply invested in other people.
Unfortunately, things start to go sideways when caring becomes carrying. Without realizing it, many leaders begin accepting assignments nobody ever gave them. They believe it's their responsibility to get their employee to embrace feedback, stay motivated, agree with a decision, change their behaviour, or repair a difficult relationship. Those may be the outcomes we hope for, but they're not outcomes that we can own.
There's an important distinction here that has fundamentally changed the way I think about leadership. As leaders, we are absolutely responsible for the quality of our leadership: for preparing well, communicating clearly, listening carefully, asking thoughtful questions, setting expectations, providing meaningful feedback, creating psychological safety, and removing unnecessary obstacles. We own all of that.
What we don't own is another person's decision. Once the conversation is over, another adult gets a vote. Actually, they get the only vote that matters: they decide whether they'll reflect on the feedback, and if they'll do anything with it to change their behaviour. They decide whether they'll honour the commitment they just made, and whether they'll grow. Every one of us retains the freedom to choose how we respond. As leaders, we can influence that choice, but we can't make it for someone else.
I sometimes use gardening as a metaphor for leadership. A gardener can prepare the soil, water consistently, remove weeds, and create excellent growing conditions. They can do almost everything possible to help a plant flourish. What they can't do is stand over the garden tugging on the stem because they're impatient for it to grow. Everyone understands that pulling harder doesn't accelerate growth. It damages the plant. Yet leaders often do exactly that. We explain again, send another article, schedule another follow-up, remind, rescue, and worry. Before long, we're investing more energy in another person's accountability than they are. That's not accountability. That's Leadership Friction. It's effort being invested where effort has very little ability to positively influence the result.
One of the most useful questions I ask my executive coaching clients is surprisingly simple: "What part of this actually belongs to you?" That question almost always changes the conversation because it redirects the leader's attention away from someone else's choices and back toward their own leadership. Sometimes the answer is that they haven't been clear enough. Sometimes they've avoided an uncomfortable conversation or softened feedback that needed to be direct. Occasionally, they realize they've genuinely done everything good leadership requires, and the next move belongs entirely to the other person.
That realization can feel strangely uncomfortable. Many leaders unconsciously equate carrying the outcome with caring about the person. But they're not the same thing. In fact, I've often found the opposite is true: when leaders stop rescuing people from responsibility, accountability becomes much easier to see. Employees begin carrying more of their own development because the leader has stopped carrying it for them.
That's often the moment leadership becomes more effective. The conversations become calmer, feedback becomes clearer, and the leader becomes more present because they're no longer trying to engineer the other person's reaction. They simply show up, lead well, and allow other adults to make their own adult decisions. Responsibility has finally been returned to its rightful owner.
And perhaps that's the real lesson. Leadership isn't about making other people change. It's about creating the best possible conditions for change, then respecting another person's freedom to decide what they'll do next.
That may feel like a lighter burden. In my experience, it's also a far more effective way to lead.
YOUR COACHING CHALLENGE
I'd like to invite you to experiment with a practice I often use with executive coaching clients. I call it Leave It Where It Lies.
For the next week, pay attention to the moments when you find yourself carrying the emotional weight of another person's choices, replaying a conversation, worrying about whether someone will change, or wondering if your feedback landed.
When you notice yourself doing it, don't try to solve the problem just yet. Pause instead. Then ask yourself: "What part of this situation genuinely belongs to me as the leader?" If the answer reveals something you've been avoiding, perhaps you need to have a clearer conversation, provide more direct feedback, set stronger expectations, or create better conditions for success. That's your work. Own it fully.
Then ask yourself a second question: "What part of this belongs to someone else?" If the answer is, their motivation... their behaviour... their commitment... their response... their decision..., simply say to yourself: "That's not mine." Then make a conscious decision to leave it where it lies.
If you worry that others may think you don’t care or have lowered your expectations, simply remind yourself that another adult deserves the dignity of carrying their own responsibility.
At the end of each day, reflect on where you successfully left responsibility where it belonged, and on where you found yourself picking it up again. What did you notice about your own energy, thinking, and the quality of your leadership when you carried only what was yours?
You may discover that leadership doesn't become lighter because you care less, but because you're finally carrying the things that are truly yours.
